What is love.....

What does it mean to really love?
its that little feeling that you get deep within your belly.
its that longing that your heart has for someone when they are not near.
its that sick sense of worrying that something might be wrong.
its that picking up the phone and calling just because you wanna hear their voice.
its the going above and beyond and doing for that person without regards to what you might get in return.
its saying "sweet dreams" every night because you know they have crazy dreams and your hoping it will help them.
its that wanting to never go to bed angry,
its the silly fighting for no reason because there are just questions left unanswered.
its knowing without having to even speak the words.
its that kiss on the forehead.
its forgiveness.
its trusting even when you dont want to.
its looking at that person and you just can't help but smile.
its still wanting to be there despite the quirkiness of the person.
its wanting the other person to be happy even if that means your heart if broken.
its the sacrifice.
its the knowing what it could be if that leap of faith were just taken.
its wishing the fears away.
its holding on when you should be letting go.
its wanting the whole world to know.
its reaching out and just touching the others soul.
its waking up this morning and realizing that not all things are possible through love, it takes work, and dedication, and a willingness to try on both person's sides. One cannot do it alone.
its the willingness to hold onto hope...cause without hope there's nothing.
its knowing what your heart knows even if your head does not agree.
its where I wanna be.

at the rambing again.

I do not believe in coincidence at all.
I believe that all people come into our lives for a reason.
I believe that we may not know the reason or ever know the reason.
I believe that everyone has a soul mate and I believe that at some point in life those soul mates will cross paths.
I believe that I am able to make connections with people and I believe that there are times that I know things about people that I should not have any way of knowing. I have at times, dreamt of people who are passed and was comforted or given a message to pass along. Crazy it may sound, but it is true.
I have stronger connections with some people in my lives, such as my kids, or the people that I really love and I have this sixth sense about them...such as last year a friend of mine has a friend of theirs pass away, I do not know why but I thought of this person all day long that day...felt as if something was wrong, that they needed some love and prayers. It is a weird thing to speak that tid bit of information out loud, for fear of being thought of as completely crazy, but it is something that I live with.
I always trust my dreams.
I always trust my gut...it has never lead me wrong, and in fact, the times that I have choose to ignore it, it has gotten me into trouble to some degree.

Promises

Promises are sacred...to me, at least. I will not and have no ever made a promise that I know that I will not be able to keep. Doesn't matter how major or how minor that promise is, if I say the words, "I promise" it is a done deal....there is no going back.
I have also tried to instill this quality into my children. They know this about me...so there are times when they really want something they have said to me, "Momma, do you promise?" They both know they have me if I utter those words.

I am not sure that many people take the words, "I promise" quite as literally as I do, so I often times will never ask anyone to ever promise me anything...there's too much to lose for me. I would fully and totally without a doubt hold that individual to the promise cause where I come from my word means something...and I have come to terms with the fact that not everyone is like me!

Crazy...

I am sitting here watching a movie and the song, "Crazy" by Patsy Cline is playing as this couple is dancing....but in my mind, I am taken back to Kylie being 2 years old and standing on my Mom's kitchen chair holding my Mom's hands dancing and those two singing that song.....

Crazy for loving you...I can still hear those two singing that as if it was happening at this moment.

The love that those two shared was amazing...Kylie thought her granma hung the moon for her and my Mom acted as she had done that for Kylie.

I miss my Mom so much, especially at this time of the year, but that song and that memory at this moment really makes my heart smile.

Once again, I've said too much!

It's been some time since I posted anything. I am not sure why...there is always so much on my mind...renting space...emotions within my heart and thoughts within my mind that sometimes cause me joy and sometimes cause me such a bit of heartache.
I have such a dilemna brewing right now..a dilemna that I really have the answer to...just can't get others to listen or even take note or even help me in knowing what is really going on...a sense of knowing but yet unknowing...if that can make any sense at all to anyone but me.

Love...is a complicated thing, perhaps even an unreal thing and yet a real thing all at the same time. I jokingly call love....Hallmark bullshit...but in reality it is something that I am truly hung up on. I do love...I do feel....sometimes I think I love more than I should, there have been times, I have wondered if I should box that love up...place it in a pretty little box and wrap it with a ribbon and place in on a shelf in my closet...maybe to be brought out at a later time or maybe someday....many years from now..when my heart has healed..bring it back out and open it and just smile at how much I truly loved this person....and remember the times that he and I shared and just know that I tried and I loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally...without regret. Its a weird thing to know that you love and that the other person truly does love you as well, but prehaps not in the same manner as one would hope. I wonder why God would place someone in your life...allow you to fall completely in love with this person only to have that person not feel the same way....is it all a cruel joke? What is God trying to make me see? I often think and say that you can't help who you love...and I truly believe that...not in a bad way..but I think that the heart has a mind all its own...it loves and loves and loves without condition or without thought to how that love can truly make one a better person and break your heart all at the same time. This is what this love has done to me...it has made me a better person...far beyond what I could ever imagine. It has opened my eyes to a new perspective and allowed me to be Me.

There is this little part of me that wishes I knew exactly how he felt...a part of me that wishes he would express his true feelings for me...no matter what they are...good or bad, the love of a lover, or the love of a dear and close friend...whatever that answer is, it is something I could handle...my heart may need convincing, but knowing would be better than the unknown...to have the words spoken or written down would be a blessing. It would allow me to clear my mind, to allow for a sense of freedom from the chains that have bound my mind with the unknown. I am a talker and more than that a thinker...and whoa! my mind has so many pathways, so many ways of thinking which allow me to make assumptions that are based in fear at times...and those are the worst assumptions that anyone could make. When I make an assumption based in fear...my mouth tends to start moving and causes further problems. Often times, I will apologize and wish that I hadn't allowed my mouth to open. Maybe that is even how I will feel about this post...am I revealing too much of my thoughts...probably!

hallmark bullshit.

As tomorrow approaches and it has the title of Sweetest Day, I have to say that I am disgusted. Completely and totally disgusted. Sweetest Day seriously...where did that come from? Hallmark....Hallmark bullshit is how I refer to love these days. I swear it is some made up thing..its not real or it doesn't last....it never lasts. The feelings grow old, the people lose interest and become just another fixture in each others life. Usually person number one cares deeply for person number two and person number two cannot return those feelins and person number one will walk away feeling as they are less than, or unworthy of love...how could their love not be enough? Not a concept I choose to believe in anymore. Not a place I choose to place my heart. I guess when you have been let down, you just begin to build the wall...brick after brick, layer after layer of mortar....and that wall is to my eyes already...the last bricks are about to go up...and no one has shown a willingness or the love to knock that wall down or climb that wall or to take the bricks away. When the final brick is laid, it will be over..closure..finally closure. Love who needs it anyway!

What I want....

I want many things in my life...here are just a few:
I want to be noticed.
I want to be appreciated.
I want to be loved for me.
I want to be made to feel I am the only girl in the world.
I want to be hugged.
I want to be kissed on the forehead...something so intimate about that.
I want to be able to discuss life, and hope, and wants, and dreams.
I want to be heard, but more importantly, I want them to listen...really listen.
I want to laugh until I cry.
I want to stand at the ocean and appreciate the beauty.
I want to hold hands.
I want to be the only one.

Being Present

okay..here it is! The issue of being present or just being there. I recently had this conversation with a friend of mine...the issue of being present or merely just being somewhere.

I think there is a huge difference.

Being present, to me, is actually wanting to be there, with whomever you are with. Just being there is like being physically in a place, but allowing your mind and emotions to run somewhere else.

Am I making sense with this?

I find it highly offensive to be with a friend who manages to spend most of their time with their face stuck in their cell phone. I find it rude and disrespectful. I think that if I have asked you to do something with me, lunch or coffee or whatever the case may be, and you spend all of the time that we are together in the phone, I think, shame on you! I also think...please, do not waste my time. I, like most, have limited time...I like to use my time wisely.

My time is precious to me.

So dear friends of mine, please know that I know your life does not revolve around me , but please be considerate of others feelings. If you did not really want to spend a few hours with me, that is okay...I can understand that. But do not invite me or accept my invitation and then act as if you dont want to be there! You just might find that the next time you ask me, I won't be available!

Female Familes

Recently I was torn...a friend had a birthday...birthdays between she and I are HUGE...it take an entire month to celebrate our lives...truly, I mean this...birthdays are meant to be celebrated and she and I have the celebration down to a science! But this year, or rather a day in the month long celebration, she was going to share a meal and invited me along...normally I would go without question, but this time, I hesitated...stopped in my tracks and asked, "who is going?" To which she replied, "My mom, my aunt and my cousin." I declined. I think she was offended or disappointed; I heard it in her voice. I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow myself to be a a table of all female family...just couldn't do that to my heart. I do not have family...no mom, no sisters, no females of any kind...and I am not about to watch others having a realtionship that I know no part of but would love to have. I dont do well in those situations...so its best I stay away from them. Its not something that is easy to describe and someone cannot even begin to understand until they have experienced the loss of their mother...not something I wish upon anyone. It changes you...or it changed me!
Who knows maybe someday I will get there, be able to be in a room with peoples families...but for right now...my heart...my heart just isnt ready.

random ramblings

Random thoughts....oh, where will they lead me to today?
1. I am hardheaded....very, very hardheaded....yet, I will listen to what one has to say and then take my view and run with it...so maybe a little openminded hardheaded...is that an oxymoron?
2. I am completely heartbroken to think that my baby girl will start high school this year.
3. I love to read...but never seem to find the time for things that I want to...but I really get lost in the world of a book.
4. I really do not have much trust in men...really, very little...and that breaks my heart.
5. I am looking forward to completing my BSN in June...but am not sure if I will ever go back again...in reality, I know this to be a lie deep down inside...I love to learn.
6. Procrasting isnt such a bad thing...until the last minute.
7. I often times will ask rhetorical questions...if I am asking, trust me, I already know.
8.I hate doing everything alone in my life...but I seem to always be in that spot.
9. I think that there are some things that men should do for women...and not just because she nags you to do so...there are some things that should be a given...oh, I am capable to changing my own oil...but I shouldnt have to.
10. I like people, but life has taught me to not trust people.
11. Ugh...should I even start with the number 11
12. I despise when the Lord's name is used in vain...even when my kids say, Jesus Christ.....I respond with, He has nothing to do with this.
13. I miss not having a normal childhood...or at least I think I do...I never had that so it always makes me wonder.
14...thats all I have time for...

He sat all alone in his room, waiting....waiting.....and waiting. The emotions that must have ran through his head...the fear of the unknown, the fear of not waking from the surgery, the gratitude that he will again live and breath...without oxygen tying him down...the sadness that someone else has died.....and he will get to live...the inability to think that someone could give of themselves in such a time of loss and prayers and bargaining with God. He sat alone....waiting. He gets the call...his life may change today....he gets the call that he is so been waiting for...he comes...he waits....he waits some more...he sits alone and thinks and wonders and prays.....he gets told that unfortunately his new life will not begin today as orginally thought...he gets told the lungs are not as were expected and are not suitable for transplant.....so he sits and waits...and waits....and waits!

Sign your donor card...make your loved ones aware you would like to be a donor.
Donate Life

Oh it has started....

It had begun sometime ago...the what we never thought was going to happen so quickly, yet we knew that it would be here before we knew it...I am talking about the growing up of our babies, the dating, the heartbreaks, the tears, the smiles, the giggles, and the giddiness....but now along with that, much different from when I dated it the texting...I can remember being on the phone for hours with the love interest at that time...usually saying nothing for the most part, but these children now a days..say what seems to be a lot without ever really "talking" at all. I have this huge fear of much bigger disappointments for our children when there is communication, but they fail to realize that anything can be said in a text and there is this feeling of no tone in a text...and there is this huge airway to hide behind. I also feel there is a much higher divorce rate in the future as kids will not know how to communicate with their spouses.
Okay...let me get back on target.....I hate this age....I love it and I hate it. I love the beautiful people my kids have become...I love their laughs and their personalities and I love that they are stong, level headed people......UNTIL we allow "the boy" or "the girl" to enter the picture...when this happens, they lose all sense of reality....they are giddy, the are out of their minds! I love the innocense that young love brings, but I wonder if I haven't done some cruel thing to them to raise them to believe that all people are good, and deserve a chance, and that to just keep looking for the good. This is where the heartaches comes in...I know that heartaches do happen, but I hate to see it happening to them...all the while knowing that they have to learn that their first love isnt their only love...I know that I have to step back and allow them to see that people are different and good and that not everyone believes everything you do and that sometimes people are just along for the ride. Sometimes people are only looking for a day or a week or a few hours of your time. I know that there is this part of me who has to be there to just wait and to watch and to allow them to fall and be there to hold them and assure them that this too shall pass....I have to be able to talk to them and allow them to know that all of these stumbles along the way are all really part of God's plan for them...making them into the person that He wants them to be. Yet, still when they are heartbroken, and distant, and tearful and thinking that they will never like another person again...it makes me want to be angry at the other child too..it makes me want to say, "how dare you do this to my child?" yet, all the while, I have to step back and in the back of my mind, know that that child is too learning...I have to know that just sometimes things work out exactly as they are suppose to even if we don't see what that plan is during that time.
I have to remember that tears will fall and hearts will break and Momma will be there to put help make sense of it or to just take them for ice cream.

Nothing personal

The irritation level is high...very high! I wish that it wasn't and most times I can let it go, but over the course of the last week, I have had 4 separate emails and/or text messages wanting to know if I was mad at them. Emails and text stating that they had not heard from me and that they wondered what they had done that I wasn't returning their calls or texts! UGH! Makes me want to scream! I am not 16 years old in high school! I am not playing this silly bullcrap game!
LISTEN UP PEOPLE......I AM BUSY! I WISH I WASN'T! I WOULD LOVE TO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE AND NOT HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! I WORK TWO JOBS...ONE FULL TIME ONE....YES, IT IS ONLY 3 DAYS A WEEK, BUT IT IS 3-16 HR DAYS WHEN I GO TO WORK. I DRIVE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO WORK. I THEN PICK UP EXTRA IN A RECOVERY ROOM ONE DAY A WEEK. I AM IN SCHOOL...AN ONLINE PROGRAM WORKING ON MY BSN...IT IS A 5 WEEKS CLASS THAT HAS 16 WEEKS OF WORK CONDENSED INTO 5 WEEKS...AND THEN I HAVE TO VERY ACTIVE KIDS WHO ARE INVOLVED IN SPORTS!
In my eyes, I am the busiest person I know...maybe, that is because I am so busy that I haven't been able to notice if someone else is doing quite as much as I am. So if you don't hear from me, perhaps I am trying to have a conversation with my kids or taking a shower or sleeping....Nothing personal.
By the way, I stopped trying to run myself ragged trying to fit all of my friends in, when I suddenly realized that the road to friends houses only travel from my drive to theirs....never the other way around....Hmmmmmm, I wonder how I ever get home?

He chose to make a difference.

Above is a picture of Dylan, the one I normally refer to as My Manchild. Here he is as a cute little 9 year old. He is also the love of my life...I would do anything in the world within my power for him. He is my sunshine and will always be my baby...no matter how big he gets!

I heard a story about Dylan today. Although, I have often heard that he is a good kid, well behaved, very respectful, and so fun to be around....the thing that I am most proud of him today for is a story that was briefly told to me by another mother who happen to take Dylan to Chicago with her yesterday to celebrate her son's, which is Dylan's best friends, birthday. While in Chicago, they went to eat at Ed Debebicks for lunch. Dylan had left over ribs that he was bringing home to eat later but while walking downtown, he saw a homeless man and Dylan went up to him and gave him his leftover food and told the mom that he needed to do that because the man was hungry. He is 12 years old and already has the ability to see that there are others who are less fortunate than him...He is able to care about someone other than himself. This makes me proud that he made a difference in someone's life. It makes me proud that he was nonjudgemental...he didnt judge why the man was homeless or even make an assumption as to why....he just saw a another human being who needed help and he reached out.
So while I love the little boy that Dylan was....I love and respect the young man that he is turning into.

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Tammy and Tracy...a little about us.

In late 1973, this picture of that cute little china doll and that crying little baby was taken. The china doll aka is Tammy, my cousin. The crying little baby is me. I was probably about 2 months old in this photo and Tammy was about 18 months old. This photo is one that sits on my dresser, one that I get to see everyday....and I have to say that I love it...you cannot see our faces...but you can see the love...minus the crying. Here is this little toddler, kissing her baby cousin. Now, I am sure I am not crying because she is kissing me, but I am sure I was crying and she was trying to comfort me. Such a good momma from such a young age.



Today is Tammy's birthday...she turned 38 today...where did 37 years go from the time this picture was taken...how did it slip by so quickly? I sent her flowers today....she told me I was too nice to her...I dont see it as being nice...I see it as doing something for someone you love just because I wanted to. I was a bit upset though when I called to order them this morning...I had no idea what her favorite flower was...so I picked just a pinky arrangement with a short vase. I do hope she liked them.



Tammy and I didn't grow up together much. Differences in lifestyles I guess. But I remember I wrote her a letter and mailed it as an early teen and we had kept in contact on and off over the years. Within the last few years, we have really became a lot closer. I trust her with everything.

I love that we are in constant communication now, regardless of what the reasons are...sometimes to laugh, or make plans, or to moan and holler. It is all okay with me, as I am sure it is with her as well. She is the only family besides my brother that links me to my mom and I am sure she would say that same thing about me. My mom and her mother were sisters. Tammy's mother, Marcia, died when she was little, died before this picture was even taken. I never got to meet her mother. I did hear my mom talk of her often though. But that is our connections...family. We live in different parts of the country...she in sunshiney Florida and I in we-only-have-two-seasons Indiana....but we always enjoy our time together. Tammy will be making a Indiana visit next month and I cannot wait to see her. I will, hopefully, be making a visit to Florida in November...what a treat to be able to see each other two times in one year! I am so looking forward to it.



Here is another photo...a really old one taken in 1957...long before Tammy or I was ever thought of...it is a photo of our maternal grandmother, Joyce, who died about 3 years after this photo was taken and the little brown haired girl in the middle is Marcia, Tammy's mother, maybe she was 5ish and the little blonde was my mom, Brenda, who is 3. This is where our story begun......

The Best of Friends

Above is a photo that sits in my living room amongst other photos. This photo, however, will still be sitting in my living room long after the others have been changed to newer, updated photos. And I hope that my children, which ever one decided to take this photo when I die, will keep this photo out to look at and remember the friendship and the bond that the four of us shared. This photo was taken while snorkeling in the Bahamas in June of 2005. It was the best vacation that I have ever been on. It was, with the exception of booking the flight to and from Florida and booking the cruise, a fly by the seat of your pants kinda trip...no real plans, no hotel accomodations. I think we all could have slept on the beach and have been just as happy as sleeping in the Motel 6 that we slept in the first night we were there. We went on limited funds, but dang it we went and had the best time....EVER! We rented a car...an overpriced car at that...but it was worth it to see Ronnie drive it as he did all rental cars...as if he had stolen it and then had entered it in the crash up derby at the local fair...that poor car...Ronnie was the reason that car rental places sell rental insurance!

We boarded the ship and we had the best times...laying in the wind....literally, laying in the wind. The winds were so strong it made our skin move, it made us stay standing somewhat straight as we leaned into it...it was the darkest of nights out there on the blackest of oceans....the only way we knew each other was there, was that we could feel the love amongst friends and the moon lit our faces just enough to show us the face of friends. We got to the Bahamas and was immediately approached by men wanting us to buy drugs...so Ronnie and Mike bought us bracelets instead. We shopped in the small little town...mostly, we walked through the streets or alleys as they appeared to be. We went to Senor Frogs and drank that night, we walked along the water and could see the sting rays as they swam to and fro. We took an excursion to The Blue Lagoon....yes, the same island that Brooke Shields movie was filmed at. This is where we snorkeled. This was my first time and I think it was Mike's first time too. I am not sure if it was Ron and Wanda's but I kinda think it was Wanda's because we laughed so hard at her when she couldn't walk in the shoes...haha..it still makes me chuckle when I close my eyes and picture it in my head. I made my scuba steve appearance...oh to have those memories captured on camera as well as in my heart and mind are completely priceless to me.
We didn't plan this trip at all, so when we to get back to Florida, we had no idea where we could be staying again. Although, we did rent the car ahead of time, as to not have to steal someone's child to pay for the rental...we had left our own children at home. But our sleeping arrangements were a bit of a concern. We were tired and wore out from the sun and we wanted to sleep in air conditioning. There was a sales person in the Bahamas promoting the Ron Jon Surf Resort. He agreed we would attend a sales pitch that we could stay there upon our arrival. Well, hell that sounded great to us...if its FREE it is for us. All we had to do was pay the tax! Yippie! We could do anything for a free room. Once back on land we swiftly got our car and headed to the shop, luggage in hand and headed in. Well, we were told by the receptionist that we could attend but would not get the room until out next visit! NEXT VISIT...she obvisiously, did not ever meet anyone of the likes of me...I quietly informed her that we would be staying tonight as we were promised if we attended the sales pitch. She said she would see what she could do..well, I informed her that we would be staying TONIGHT...not a year from now and that if she didnt come up with a room for us...we would be waiting for her to get off work and we would be staying with her at her home....amazingly, she found us a room.
This was the best trip that I have ever went on...sure, I have been on other trips with other friends and have had a blast...but this trip meant so much more to me, to all of us...as it was the last trip that we would all take together as friends without children. This was the last trip of such fly by the seat of your pants that the four of us would take together. We camped and did other things as friends, Ron and Wanda and Mike and I. We had talked about taking more trips like this one, but Ron's life was cut short before we could do this again. This is why this trip means so much.There will never be another trip like this one. There will be other trips with other friends, but this trip will always hold a special place in my heart and in Mike's and in Wanda's. This was a trip where the best of friends shared something far beyond just standing on the coast of somewhere beautiful.

Trust and who I am

I have a confession to make....I am standoffish (if that is a word). I do not trust easily. It takes a lot for me to let people in, although, I believe in people even when they do not deserve it. But with myself, it takes a lot....a whole lot....to let people in. Even if I appear to let someone in, I keep my heart guarded. I love people, but hate hurt. I have found that once someone hurts me, it is forever. There may be a time of forgiveness for me with that person, but I will never fully trust that person again with matters of my heart. I may share things with them; I may share a meal; I may act as if everything is okay...but really, I have this shield up around my heart...never fully letting that person back in. This person may not even realize this about me...but I have realized it about myself. Protective mechanism of sorts....I am sure people like Piaget, Erikson, and Freud would have a field day within the confines of my heart and my head, but it is who I am. It is a behavior that I have learned in order to survive the hardships that I have gone through. As a survivor of sexual child abuse, I had to learn to separate my heart and my mind in order to become a survivor. Is this a healthy approach? Who is to say? I am happy with me. I am a mother of two beautiful children. I am successful in my career. I have friends who love me and have my back. I think my marriage has suffered the most. I think that I am not as trusting of my husband as he would like me to be...not in a jealous way...that stuff doesnt bother me. But with him, I guess that I never really allow myself to trust him. I guess when the one man...your father...betrays you in the manner in which he did...I guess it sets a tone for the other man that comes along and is suppose to love you unconditionally. Some people have told me that I should seek therapy...and others think I am well adjusted when they hear my story...I am not sure what the answer is. I think that maybe therapy would be good at times and other times I do not want to go any where near anyone who will attempt to get into my head. God has this funny little way of protecting us when we need it...kinda like Footprints in the Sand...where he carried the subject of that poem...I think that during that time of sexual abuse that God carried me and protected me from a lifetime of memories that I really do not want. There are just some thing that you do not need to remember. I have so many happy memories and those are what I choose to set my focus on. Sure that abuse has shaped me into the person that I am, but I choose to think that since I see myself as a survivor and not a victim, that perhaps I have a little more compassion for people...you never know where they have been or what they have been through that has hardened their hearts. I think that people need a break sometimes in life, and maybe I am the person to give them that break or that smile. I do not deny what I have been through and how it has ultimately affected me...but I will stand firmly on the belief that I have risen above.

Small Town Living

A few years ago, almost 4 years ago, we moved to a small town. A town where we thought we could build a better life for our kids and ourselves. A place where the schools were rated exceptionally well and small classroom sizes. A place that would feel like home, a place where the people are friendlier and nicer. I think that we have found some of this and some of it I think is completely unobtainable. Yes, we got the small town. So small that we have only one gas station and a grocery store. We have a flashing light on the corner of the one main street in town, that just so happens to be called Main Street. It is a quaint little town. We got the good schools that I so desperately wanted for my kids. My kids got good friendships that I am certain they will have for life. I have a home that I love...although, it seems I have to hear on a regular basis how the other three that live her would like to have stairs. I love the small town...I love the way it is well kept. BUT the one thing that I do not like is that I did not grow up here...and many, many people did grow up here as did their entire families for many generations, which in turn makes me an outsider and I will always be an outsider no matter how long I live here. I think there maybe hope for my kids...we came here when Kylie was in 4th grade and Dylan in 2nd...so there has to be hope for them.
It is weird how even my neighbors keep to themselves. Is this just where I live? or is this just the way of people now a days? I know the names of my neighbors directly across the street and next door to me. I seem to know all of the kids in the neighborhood or most of them, the ones that play at my house anyway. I know who the parents are of a few of my kids friends...I actually know them by name and have shared a meal or a conversation with them. Some of the other parents I know that they belong to suzie or johnny....but not much more than that. It seems those are the parents that have lived her their entire lives...as if they are islanders. (Islanders are known to be quite conservative with outsiders.) As if there is some secret that I am not allowed in on. At school functions, I feel it. At church, I feel it. I am not sure what it is or how to describe it, but it is there and it is real. I know I love where I live..and I am here to stay...do you hear me, Islanders?

Mothers Day

As Mother's Day is tomorrow, I am once again reminded of how wonderful my mom truly was. How steady she made things on such a shaky ground, I am reminded that love truly goes on and on...it doesn't die...it carries on and on. It is something that I see everyday when I wake, when I talk to my brother on the phone, when I talk to my kids and the memories that they have of her. It is everyday that I look within myself and see the love that she gave me and the love that I am able to in turn give my own children. She was a wonderful woman who died much too young and endured way too much pain. She was and always will be my strength!
There was an entry in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books that I read many, many years ago. There was one story in particular that I really tugged at my heartstrings, I made a copy of it and gave it to my mom....It really touched home, as I am sure it will for many. Here is a small passage from it. It was titled, "I owe you"
"The person I owe them to worked very cheap. She managed simply by doing without a whole lot of things that she needed for herself. My IOU's add up to much more than I could ever hope to repay. But you know the nicest thing about it all is that I know she'd mark the entire bill "paid in full" for just one kiss and for little words-Mom, I love you."
It still brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.
I hope everyone has a blessed Mothers Day!

my sweet baby girl

My oh my! How they grow so quickly...how quickly time flies by. It is so strange to think that I brought this little girl home from the hospital almost 15 years ago...where did that time go? I always thought my childhood dragged by, but it seems that her years are flying past me. They say that time flies when you are having fun and I have been having fun watch her grow into a beautiful, amazingly kind and caring and funny girl. She is sassy. She is bold. She is fun! She is on the right path. She is smarter than she ever gives herself credit for. She is her own worst enemy.

But she is growing up so so fast...faster than I care to see her do it. I often tell her she can't grow up....that she isn't ever allowed to move out...that she has to stay with me forever. Secretly, I do hope that I have done a good job in raising her with morals, and the ability to be nonjudgemental, and with the ability to know right from wrong. I do enjoy watching her grow into a beautiful little lady...I do miss the days when she looked like this though...this is Kylie on her first birthday.



She was so cute...just a little princess...I still have this dress...her first birthday party dress...I pull it out from time to time to remember just how little she was.

But I do enjoy watching her grow and how much she changes, yet how much she looks the same.

Here is Kylie with my Mom. I think this was taken in 1997 just before Dylan was born. She would be about 2 in the picture. She loved her Gramma.

This is my sweet baby girl...or my punkin as I have called her since she was little. She is the apple of my eye...she is beautiful to me...She is a gift from God and I am forever thankful for her.

Random fun

This is random fun...this was a day of

just running around...this was a day that

they honestly liked each other

and really they do like each other

most days.....I love how he is all

leaned and smiles like he loves his

sister and her look is "lets pretend I

dont even notice he is there"

These are my kids....my babies.

They dont like that I call them my

babies, but they are and forever will be.

I am Married...but it does not define me.

Today a very weird cord was struck with me. On Facebook today, I had someone ask me if I were available and they commented that I didn't have my marriage status listed as such when I told them I was married. This really bothered me...yes, I am married, but just that word does not define who I am. I hate that more than anything, probably because I have seen my mother and so many other women, family and friends, lose themselves in the title of MRS. I told myself years ago, before I ever got married that I would never lose myself in marriage. I am Tracy! I am strong! I am confident! I am a Christian. I am Mike's wife. I am Kylie's mom. I am Dylan's mom.I am a nurse. I am all of these things, however, I choose to be known as Tracy! Tracy Bruce even works for me, but MRS doesnt work for me...I, for myself, find that offensive. I find that that makes me property of someone else. I am no one's property. I belong to no one. I am married by choice, not because I am someone's property. I am sure that this will make some offended, but I really cannot consume myself with that. I will not be defined by someone else. I will not allow myself to be just someone's wife. I am not even sure if Mike realizes this, but nonetheless, he has learned to not argue with me when my views are so strong. He would be fighting a losing battle. Now, I love my family and all that that entails, but I love them because I love me. And I cannot love me, if I lose who I am.

I love this picture. I love the depth and dimension of it. I love that that boy hanging from that rim is my son. He loves basketball. Loves everything about it, but secretly, I think he loves being able to be big enough to hang there.....the ability to be that big and be so young and do that is a feat. He is a large child...not fat at all, but I often refer to him as my manchild. He is a 12 year old trapped in a man's body. There are times that it breaks my heart because people sometimes expect more from him that they should, because they are deceived as well by his looks. I think that his face still hasnt matured as quickly as his body has, but it will get there, or maybe he will always have a baby face. I think he is handsome and well rounded. He is ditzy at time and sometimes I wonder if his cogs are turning, but he makes me laugh everyday! His innocense is unmeasurable. He has a heart as pure as gold. He loves kids. He is a kid. He isn't in a hurry and never has been. He is relaxed, maybe a little too much at times, but it is what makes him who he is....and I don't want to change any of that. He is a lot like me when it comes to people....he actually is open minded and takes things into consideration. He somehow at the age of 12 understands that not everything is always black and white...and this I am proud of. It is my wish that he will do great things in life...I think God has that in his plan as well.

Kylie...my daughter

This is my beautiful daughter, who is an amazing person. She completely lights up just by waking up in the morning. She is kind and caring. She is smart and silly, all at the same time. She is outgoing, which is kinda new for her. She is an athelete and loves softball....softball is her life. This year may prove to be a bit rough for her, as she feel at softball practice and broke her arm, which required pins and a cast. UGH! Not sure how this happened, but it did and there is nothing we can do about it at this point, except wait and pray that it heals well. She's upset and depressed about it, but we have to make sure that she is fixed right the first time.
But here she is in one of her uniforms.....isnt she beautiful?

Issues...resolved or maybe not

When I am sad and upset, I cry, I pray, I yell, I curse. Sometimes I cry so hard that I can't catch my breath. Today was one of those days.....I have been struggling and was faced with some issues that had to be dealt with...some of which I think stem from unresolved issues of my childhood. Things that I had thought I had dealt with, but I realize here recently that I maybe haven't dealt with them quite as well as I had thought. Which lead me on the path that I walked today. Not a path that I want to walk again, not a path that I ever want to discuss again in my life.....which will lead to issues that may arise again, but nontheless, they are going into the vault, never to be discussed again.

You're gonna miss me

I have often thought of myself as too nice...don't get me wrong, I can be the biggest bitch when I need to be....but all too often I am too nice...putting others ahead of myself. Now for most I don't mind this because it seems that positive out brings back positive in. I am a trusting person, except when it comes to my children. I don't even trust my own family to an extent with them. I feel as if I am a good judge of character, for the most part. I have been known to be wrong on occasion when it comes to judging someone's character, but this is because I have this way of seeing inside, seeing a side of people that they, maybe, don't even know about themselves. I have this way of seeing that vunerable side of people, a side they don't like to share. All too often, they will deny this side, if I were to ever bring it to their attention, and then quickly, cover this side up. It is a part of me, this seeing into people, that I would consider a curse at times. There have been times that I wish I hadn't seen that side, wish I didn't know such things. These things aren't often bad things, but they are things that make me believe in the person more than they believe in themselves. And when I can realize someone's potential...I often times expect them to live up to that potential...all too often this is when I get hurt, when my expectations are not met.
I have has such friends that haven't lived up to these expectations. I have had friends who are too consumed with themselves to even notice others around them. I have said to a few of them, when I have almost been pushed to my limit on the selfishness, that they will miss me when I am gone. But it doesn't change their actions. It doesn't change my hurt. All I can hope is that the experience will teach me something and it is my hope that I will learn such lesson. I do hope that I will leave a footprint on that person heart. I do hope that someday that person will miss me....not my in the physical sense....but me for what I represent....My kindness, the ability to believe, my smile...and I hope that footprint will leave them with a sense of warmth and maybe, just maybe, the ability to see beyond themselves.

My Church....The Family Room

The kids and I started attending the local church almost a year ago...We had tried different churches with friends many times, none of them seemed to really fit...One church Dylan even fell asleep. I felt the need to offer my children Christianity...feels as if it is part of my duties as a mother to introduce them....after all, their soul depends upon it.
So we started attending this church, if that is what you choose to call if since that is what it has always been called. It started out as a group of people who would get together for bible study, and from what I can understand, people who were tired of the tried and true church; the church that has gotten away from what it is all about..and really, it is all about GOD...or should be. Church isn't or should be about dressing up to come and worship God...God doesnt care what your wearing. It shouldn't be about the floors in newly laid carpet or expensive things on the walls or the best sound system. It shouldn't be about passing the collection plate. It shouldn't be about climbing into a confessional to talk to a man, who one has deemed more worthy to speak to God than yourself. It shouldn't be about anything other than God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. And this is exactly what one will find when they walk into The Family Room.
When you walk into The Family Room it is more about what you feel than what you see. When you enter you are going to see a older building that used to be the drug store in town, you are going to see a bunch of tables with chairs, and a couch or two and a TV and toys, and some music instruments, you are going to see picture of the familes who choose to call themselves members of the Mulberry Family. Your going to see an area where coffee is made, conversation is had, tears are shed and the cries of laughter are heard. You are going to see people in jeans, and kids in everyday school clothes, and flannels and your going to see water dropped upon the floor, chocolate bunnies smashed, and evergreen trees destroyed by a saw. Your going to see all of the things you would find in our own family room at home...well, maybe not a tree destroyed, but I think you get my point.
But what you are going to feel is so much more....your going to feel welcome to come as you are....your going to feel a connection. You're going to feel the love of a family. You're going to feel as you are at home. You're going to feel the love of Jesus and the presence of Him all around. You're going to feel friendships formed and bonds made, but those friendships and bonds are always open to adding more. You're going to feel the feeling of LOVING GOD AND LOVING ONE ANOTHER.
So see it isn't about what you see, but more of what you feel...Feel free to stop by and have a cup of coffee on Sunday morning with us...we would love to have you.

Thoughts of MY BELLY!

There has been so much on my mind...lots of things that many of us always think about...things like..."where is the sun?" and money, and love and sports, yes, it is almost baseball and softball season...and jobs and school and vacation and just how much I want to take one. God has been on my mind a lot...I know he is always in my mind, and heart, and soul, but lately, he has been in my thoughts...the ones I choose to hear. I have been thinking a lot about my salvation and my Christianity, and of what that means to me. I have been thinking of my mom a lot lately, most times, after 11 years of her being gone, I think more of Chad...my brother and my child. But lately, I see Mom a lot more when I look in the mirror. I have been working to loose weight...my constant roller coaster..and started running and have noticed some of the weight coming off in different places...visiable places...which tells me that I need to work out just a wee bit more than I have been. But this morning, I saw my mom's belly! haha...this is a funny concept, but my mom was so thin...but she always had a little poochie belly...and this morning I saw that same belly as I got undressed for a shower...I stood and laughed and could hear her saying, " I earned that belly." and what she meant was, she had three kids and that is what caused it. Okay, Mom, I totally agree with you! LOL...that is our story and I am sticking to it anyway! Funny, how all of those thoughts, depressing ones at times, my Mom is the one that stuck with me...the belly...our shared belly and the reason why we have gotten this said belly I speak of...

I am compassionate and caring.

I wonder if they are ready.

I hear the families cries.

I see the patient's fears.

I want to help them through.

I am compassionate and caring.

I pretend to be strong.

I feel their soul.

I touch their hearts.

I cry when they cry.

I am compassionate and caring.

I understand that death is a part of life.

I say, "She is gone."

I dream they will find comfort.

I try to give them strength.

I hope they will remember.

I am compassionate and caring.

This was an assignment that I had to do for an online course I am taking to continue my education. I dreaded doing this assignment, I thought, how does this possibly make me a better nurse. In the end I do not think it made me a better nurse, I think I am already a good nurse, I think it made me reflect and sometimes, reflection is a good thing.

Donate Life

Today I was viewing the Donate Life website, wanted to see what was new and updated and actually wanted to look for job opportunites. I cannot remember where I looked for this information last time, but I didn't find what I was looking for. It is ultimately what I want to do...work in organ procurement. I almost took a job with the organ procurement company before I went to work at Loyola, but the hours were too long for my kids lives. I did today, however, filled out that information to volunteer with the company. I think maybe this is what I might be looking for...I could learn what i need to know and then maybe transition into a staff position. I am not sure what it would entail, but I am anxious to find out. I have first hand experience with organ donation; my brother was a recepient and I am a nurse who works on a unit where heart and lung tansplants take place. It is the most amazing thing to me...giving of yourself or your loved ones in such a time of turmoil. I have witnessed how it changes lives. I went on a procurement run almost a year ago, and it was the highlight of my career. I have the nursing side to it and I have the family part of it...a good comination, if I say so myself. I remember fully placing my hand upon Chad's chest and feeling his new heart beat and I remember crying tears of joy that he was alive and tears of sadness for the donor and his or her family. There is still not a day that goes by that I do not think of my brother's donor. So I am looking forward to this new adventure...maybe it will be where I am suppose to be...just maybe.

It....my cell phone

My cell phone is SMART.....well, it is something else anyway. I have had it for several months...and still it is smarter than me. I still haven't been able to completely figure it out. I know there is a book that came with it...to read and figure it out...but I haven't looked at it.....I thought I could and would figure it out...but like I said.....IT IS SMARTER THAN ME!
It kinda reminds me of the movie Christine..the one where the car is possessed....yeah, that is my phone. If you call me and I am on the other line...I am going to hang up on you...not cause I want to...I probably want to really talk to you...but I do not know how to switch over the call. lol...and if I am in the middle of a text and you call...I am going to hang up on you! It is crazy that I cannot figure it out. I remember clearly the day I walked into the Verizon store and got the phone...I asked the man if they carried just a "regular" phone...he looked at me as if I had horns...those young kiddos..I did not mean the rotary circle dial phone that we had when I was a kid...I mean something that was "normal" but no, I walked out with some touch screen and full keyboard phone....ugh...I guess I should get with the current technology.
But there is something that I have figured out...I have outsmarted it on...I have figured out that my phone is sooooo smart it tells me when someone has received my text....there is actually this little symbol that pops up when someone has read the text that I have sent.....however, the problem is that it drives me crazy....when I ask someone a question and they don't respond...or better yet..they act as if they never got the text...this is a problem for me...cause I know they have gotten the text. My phone is smart in the sense that it can do so much...but it has a big mouth too...such a tattle tell...didn't it ever hear that snitches get stictches~

Today has been a difficult day for me...for reasons that cannot possibly be explained....there are not enough words in this world to put it all into anything that makes meaningful sense. I cannot make sense of it myself...nor can I begin to explain it to anyone else. I am hoping in time that it will all make sense to me and to others and to God.....I seem to hope that God will be the one that will understand and forgive before anyone else.