Trust and who I am

I have a confession to make....I am standoffish (if that is a word). I do not trust easily. It takes a lot for me to let people in, although, I believe in people even when they do not deserve it. But with myself, it takes a lot....a whole lot....to let people in. Even if I appear to let someone in, I keep my heart guarded. I love people, but hate hurt. I have found that once someone hurts me, it is forever. There may be a time of forgiveness for me with that person, but I will never fully trust that person again with matters of my heart. I may share things with them; I may share a meal; I may act as if everything is okay...but really, I have this shield up around my heart...never fully letting that person back in. This person may not even realize this about me...but I have realized it about myself. Protective mechanism of sorts....I am sure people like Piaget, Erikson, and Freud would have a field day within the confines of my heart and my head, but it is who I am. It is a behavior that I have learned in order to survive the hardships that I have gone through. As a survivor of sexual child abuse, I had to learn to separate my heart and my mind in order to become a survivor. Is this a healthy approach? Who is to say? I am happy with me. I am a mother of two beautiful children. I am successful in my career. I have friends who love me and have my back. I think my marriage has suffered the most. I think that I am not as trusting of my husband as he would like me to be...not in a jealous way...that stuff doesnt bother me. But with him, I guess that I never really allow myself to trust him. I guess when the one man...your father...betrays you in the manner in which he did...I guess it sets a tone for the other man that comes along and is suppose to love you unconditionally. Some people have told me that I should seek therapy...and others think I am well adjusted when they hear my story...I am not sure what the answer is. I think that maybe therapy would be good at times and other times I do not want to go any where near anyone who will attempt to get into my head. God has this funny little way of protecting us when we need it...kinda like Footprints in the Sand...where he carried the subject of that poem...I think that during that time of sexual abuse that God carried me and protected me from a lifetime of memories that I really do not want. There are just some thing that you do not need to remember. I have so many happy memories and those are what I choose to set my focus on. Sure that abuse has shaped me into the person that I am, but I choose to think that since I see myself as a survivor and not a victim, that perhaps I have a little more compassion for people...you never know where they have been or what they have been through that has hardened their hearts. I think that people need a break sometimes in life, and maybe I am the person to give them that break or that smile. I do not deny what I have been through and how it has ultimately affected me...but I will stand firmly on the belief that I have risen above.