Wednesday, November 11, 2009

11+ Memories of Mom

I had posted yesterday that I hated the Number 11...I linked this blog post to my Facebook account as I always do...kinda an insight to my mind for others to see if they choose. One person, my Aunt Shawnacy suggested that I find 11 ways to honor my Mom....and so she has inspired to do this now...to sit here in front of the computer and find 11 memories of my Mom...things I am sure that will make me smile and laugh and even cry but I am sure that it will all warm my heart.

1. At my wedding, I played Wind Beneath My Wings as a dedication to my mom....she was and remains the one who made me fly.
2. My mom was so talented...she could make anything from arts and crafts to crocheting and sewing and even made my wedding veil.
3. I secretly think my mom loved her grandchildren more than she loved her kids...haha...she would deny this.
4. My mom loved country music...and I think that Randy Travis was one of her favorites.
5. I remember my mom would never ever leave the house without her house cleaned or without her makeup on.
6. My mom used to come see me and my brother, Jon, at work and she would order a small vanilla "comb"
7. My mom was a horrible speller...really really bad, and her grocery lists would always make us smile.
8. My mom had a green thumb, of which I did not inherit at all....she could grown anything.
9. My brothers and I used to tease mom that when she swam she looked like a frog!
10. My mom was the solid foundation on such rocky ground!
11. Mom always chewed gum...her favorites were bazooka or watermelon flavored...although I do think she always had watemelon on hand so that us three kids didnt take it all.

Funny thing is as I sit here and type, I can think of so many more things....tiny little minor things, that maybe I haven't thought of in year...like how much she liked roses and antiques, or how she thought the sun and moon rose for Kylie. I can remember how she just glowed the day Jon graduated from college. I can remember her response at 5am when I called and told her I was pregnant. And really, I cant remember her being unkind to anyone....ever. I remember she loved unconditionally and whole-heartedly. And I remember the way she smelled and her laugh was contagious...but mostly, I remember that she loved me and I loved her and in the end...that is all that really matters.

Thanks Shawnacy...thanks for asking me to remember her as opposed to just missing her. Thanks for asking me to look within myself and see her!

And Mom....thanks for making me the incredible woman I am today!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

And this brought to you by the Number 11

And this brought to you by the Number 11....kinda makes me think of Sesame Street...which by the way celebrated 40 yrs today. But, no, this time it is not about Sesame Street; this time it is about my weird, weird thing....almost hatred for the Number 11. Seriously, this number creeps me out. Now, I have a friend, Kim, who has told me that the Number 11 is suppose to be angelic of sorts.....I DO NOT BUY THAT AT ALL! So so many bad things have happened in my life that revolve almost around the Number 11. My first car accident was on the 11th. My parents got married on November 11 (11-11) and my mom died on November 11 (11-11). Then there was September 11th. Our dear friend died on a date in which the numbers add up to 11. Seriously, the list goes on and on. Even when I went looking at homes to buy several years ago...I found a house that I liked and wanted to see...but when I looked at the address...yep, you guessed it...the house numbers equaled 11...couldnt even see the house then. I have this weird thing about it...I have tried to push it to the side, but it is always lurking in the shadows.
Tomorrow brings about another 11 in my life....My mom will be gone 11 years tomorrow. Where did that time go? 11 years...just poof and it is gone...11 years! So tomorrow will be a day where I will do everything in my power to turn it over to God...just give it all to him...and hope for sunshine, but I am almost certain it will rain.

Monday, November 2, 2009

love goes on and on

Death is a rather hard concept for most to understand...I am not really sure that anyone really truly understands death....Sure, it is the process or lack of process where the body no longer functions...the time when time is up. Maybe, we can begin to wrap our minds around it, but can we ever really get our hearts to understand?

This is something that I have thought about many times. I have buried my mom, and my brother and there are many, many times that I have picked up the phone to call or thought I can not wait to tell them this, that, or the other. So many times I have wanted to let them know about so many things...the things the kids have done, finishing college, starting a new job, or just matters of the heart. My mind knows they are gone...but my heart, my heart will never understand.

Today is the day that we are going to go to the hall and have a memorial service for my father-in-law. A day to remember the good times, and maybe the little silliness or quirkiness of his ways. Hopefully, it will be a day of laughter and not so many tears. A day of finding the positive in all of this tragedy. But I am sure there are many sad days to come...days of trying to find closure.

For most a funeral service is a two-fold....a very sad time, a time of loss, and it is also a time for closure...a time to see the body to try and convince your heart what your mind has been told. This death of Mike's father is going to be a little more difficult for Mike....his dad was on vacation....in the place that he loved...when he passed unexpectantly....Mike wasnt there, he didnt get to see him...didnt get the chance to see what his mind was told....no real way to convince his heart. No real closure. I know what it is like to lose a parent, but I had the chance to say goodbye....for Mike his dad just went on vacation...only to never return.
I do pray that Mike can find closure, that he will find a way to say goodbye, a way to let go and a way to realize that love doesn't end in death....love is something that goes on and on.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Making a Difference

I have to say that I am always looking for a way to make a difference...always looking for a way to brighten someones day...you just never know when you might be the only smile that someone sees for the day or the only hello they will hear. You just never know when what you do is going to make a difference.

So this morning I woke to the alarm and thought, "oh, boy, I do not want to get out of bed. My feet hurt and my back hurt from working two shifts in a row. I stayed up way too late working on homework. I need to start and complete this project today and I will have homework as well. I have to do a midterm that is due next week. I need to clean my house....it is a mess. I need to paint that bathroom. I need to....." And the list goes on and on. Then immediately as I was working on all of the things that I needed to do, all of the lists continue to build in my head and start to stress me out as I look at that mountain.....this sweet little girl's face popped in my head and I have never met this little angel. I know her father and have met her mom and as her mom and I talked one night she told me about her little girl and that she has some medical issues, which I will not discuss here, but her mom told me that everyday when she talks to this little one and asks her how her day was, she replies, "Its the best day ever!" Her mom, Michelle, even told me that when the little girl was sick with the flu she still would tell her mom, "Its the best day ever!" WOW...those are words to live by!!!!! It doesnt get any better than that!

I tend to be a pretty positive person...but there are times when stuff gets stuck in my head and there are times that things get me down....but I am so blessed to be where I am. I am so thankful that God placed this little girls face in my head this morning. I am so glad that I was able to hear this story from her mom. I am so thankful to have such a little inspiration in life, even if I have never met this little one. I am sure that this little girl doesnt realize what an impact she will make on peoples lives....but what a driving force she will be....that much positiveness at such a young age....she is destined for great things! You never know when you're going to make a difference.....Thanks Samantha for making a difference in mine.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The next right thing.

I believe that things happen for reasons that I cannot begin to even understand...I often find that there are times when I end up in a place that I had no intention of being at all, and yet, there I am....exactly in the moment that I am meant to be in.

Today, such a thing happened. We got up and went to church and then had many things that we needed to get accomplished....like, the kids needed pumpkins for youth group tonight, Dylan was starting to look like a mushroom so he needed a haircut. I needed breadcrumbs to make the baked asparagus tonight for dinner and I needed to get a flashdrive to start on a project for work. So off to town we went. We decided we could stop and get lunch at Panera Bread, but when we got there the line was almost out the door and since I kinda like to sit when I eat and there were no available tables we headed out to the most healthiest place of all...yep, you guessed it....McDonalds....I'm joking, I'm joking about the healthiest place, but that is where we ended up nonethelesswe. We parked the car and sitting at the table outside was a man....homeless, I presume, sitting all alone....with a look of just complete I have no one or nothing in this world......a very sad look. This broke my heart. Now, I dont know this mans story, why he has come to this point in his life....but you know what, I don't care. He is a fellow human being who inhabits this Earth with me. This is a man who is someones child, brother, and maybe at some point he even had a friend or a pet. At some point this man mattered to someone. I am not sure if loss of a job, a broken childhood, drugs or alcohol, or mental illness brought him to this place, but I do know that for today, he got to receive a kind word and a meal from a stranger. I walked over to this man and said hello. I asked him how he was and he smiled and said, "I am okay, ma'am. How are you?" I asked him what he was doing out here (meaning how did you get to this place in your life) and he simply smiled again and said, "just having a cup of coffee." I stood there for a minute.....he was a man who had nothing to smile at and yet he smiled. I asked this frail looking man, who was unkempt and clearly in dirty clothes, hair tattered, shoes worn if he had eaten today. He dropped his head and said, "yes, ma'am, I had a little something." I told him I didnt mean to offend him, but I would like to buy him something to eat if he were hungry. He didnt really say much....never really gave me a yes or a no answer. But I excused myself and went in and ordered my food and then an extra meal for this man I had just met. I took the food out to him. He smiled and said, "God Bless You" I know that I will probably never see this man again, I will never know his story, but I hope I made a difference in this man's life today. I hope that a kind word and a smile will warm his heart. And I hope that my son, Dylan, will learn compassion for others in watching his mom care for people she has never met. I hope that as he and I talked about what I did, that he will take that with him for life and that someday maybe he will have the courage to reach out to someone who is less fortunate than him. You see, today wasnt about making myself feel good...it was about doing the next right thing, it was about reaching out to others and teaching my child about love and compassion.
Now, when I started out today, McDonalds was the furtherest thing from my mind, but its funny how that is where I ended up....ended up exactly where I needed to be at that moment.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Things that make me go Hmmmmmm

Okay...there are a few things that make me absolutley insane...crazy insane.....minor little things really that arent that hard to do and really at the end of the day dont really matter in the big scheme of things, but I am still going to just put them down for my own sanity...Maybe I will look back and laugh!

1. Changing the toilet paper roll.....this is not going to cause brain damage, I promise. Everytime I use the bathroom I have to change the toilet paper roll or simply place it on the holder...people, including my children and friends, will use the last square and then leave the empty roll just there or they get out a new roll and set it on top of the old empty roll.

2. Walking past the dishwasher to put the dishes in the sink.....Seriously, a few steps could be saved if you just place them in the dishwasher in the first place.

3. The garbage.....holy cow.....if it is falling out the top...it simply needs to go out. and seriously needs to go out if now you are stacking things beside the can!

4. Feeding the pets the last of their food. Oh my goodness, if you take the last of something....please put it on the list!

5. Calling me and then proceeding to talk to your friends in the background without ever acknowledging that I am on the phone....Click, I will hang up on you!

6. Driving slow in the fastlane...Holy cow, if I can be on facebook and drive in the fast lane to chicago....so can everyone else.

7.Empty containers in the pantry....why does the cookie container get put back into the pantry without cookies in it....and I hear the, "Mom, i wasnt me!" yeah, right, I forgot, the keebler elves now eat their own cookies....they really are in the bag! LOL

8. Coats all over the furniture...I mention this one now, cause I know it is coming with the nseasonably cold weather that we have....when you enter my house...the first thing you see is a coat closet....and yes, there are hangers in there...what a concept!

9. Drinking from the milk carton....all i can say is NASTY!

Okay, so they are minor...I know...but things that I just have to do or see on a regular basis. Yes, I know the world isnt going to end over any of these, but they make me wonder if I should ever put anything major in my childrens hands! LOL

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Loss and love and Ron and Dave

So today I was thinking a lot about life and how things happen they way that they do and the reason why and how there are just some things that will never, ever make sense. There are just some things that no matter how we try to find an answer....there just isn't one. But the one that got my thinking and crying today was dying young. And not just dying young, that is a tradegy in itself. (and please, I by no means mean to make anyones passing more or less important than the next) I simply was thinking of those who have died young and have left behind spouses and/or children. Specifically, I was thinking about my friends, Ron Moser and Dave Shubert. I was thinking about their wives and their children and what they left behind. Ron died at work....got up went to work to "live the American dream" as Ron often said and just never came home. Dave went for a ride on his motorcycle and never came home. Both of them, I am certain, had every intention of coming home that day and hanging with the family and playing with the kids and kissing his wife goodnight. So, the question arises, why them? Why did they have to leave behind what they treasured most? Why are they cheated out of seeing the kids off to the first day of school? or taking the kids for ice cream? or teaching their sons to ride a motorcycle? why are they denied being there to hug their daughters when they have their first broken heart? I also thought about their wives and how they are amazing people to keep going...I know they have no other choice, but they have to do it all. They have to do the work of two people. They now have to love those kids as a mother and a father. They now have to believe in themselves as they probably never had before. They have to push forward when their worlds have ended and forever been altered. I know that Wanda has done amazing things. I have seen it with my own eyes. She is a different person that she was the night before Ronnie died. I have seen her keep going even when she has wanted to just give up. I, unfortunately, do not know Allison very much, but I would like to. I know what Dave had told me about her. He told me how beautiful she was (and she is) and that he was certain that I would like her. I have seen her Facebook page and have seen how her close friends continue to encourage her everyday. I have seen how she carries on and smiles that beautiful smile that she has. I have seen her post things that, I am certain, are words of encouragement to herself. I have seen both Wanda and Allison keep their husbands alive in spirit and I have seen first hand how love continues even when someone is gone. My heart breaks for both of these beautiful women everyday. I can not begin to know their loss. I know of loss but not of that magnitude. I know of feelings of abandonment but not of that magnitude. I have no answers, and the one that I completely dislike is "things happen for a reason"....how about that is something that someone says that has never lost anyone. All I can do is pray for them, pray they find comfort, pray that they can see their loved ones in their beautiful childrens faces and that they will always keep their ones alive. I hope that they realize that Ron and Dave's love is larger than death and that they forever hold them in their hearts, and I hope they cherish every memory.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Friendships

Okay, so I am not exactly sure where I am going with this...it may end up being just a bunch of useless rambling..as I find most people don't really, really listen anyway... Okay, here goes.....so I watched the movie The Soloist today...got me thinking about friendship from the very beginning of the movie and then in the last scene there was this thing that Steve Lopez said about friendship...I tried to google it, but was unsuccessfull...so watch the movie. Anyway he said this thing about that had to do with taking chances and being Nathaniel's friend...a very unlikely friendship, and he wasn't sure if being his friend had made a difference...and then he said that he was told by the experts that being Nathaniel's friend has changed Nathaniel's brain chemistry...I liked that...really, really liked that. But what I liked the most was that it was so very evident that Steve was forever changed by this friendship and even told Nathaniel that he was honored to be his friend-that in it self is a profound statement...honored to be someone's friends. Especially in this instance, Steve stood to gain nothing by being Nathaniel's friend, and yet he walked the distance to find him, to find that common ground...which is really the matters of the heart. Isn't that what friendship should be after all...matters of the heart. I think that all too often people get into friendships for what they can obtain from it...does it make them look good or feel good or is it something more tangible than that? When you look at your friends around you, are they similiar to you? Do you share common interest? have you even just had a friend that you just knew needed a friend? Knowing you would probably gain nothing? or should I say that you didnt think you would gain anything from? when really you gained blessing far bigger than yourself? maybe far bigger than you even realized...if you even realized them at all? I have had a few friendships like this....and this movie brought me to just thinking about high school....and a boy named Daniel....I dont know where Daniel is today...but my friends and I became friends with Daniel and ate lunch with him every day for 4 years...I'm not really sure what started the whole thing....we didnt have classes together, but we found the time everyday to sit with Daniel and just have lunch..talk about the day and laugh and just have a good time...it warms my heart to have those memories...And an outsider may look at this and think that it wasnt a give and take relationship...but it was so much more than that....actually I think I benefited so much more by knowing Daniel than he did from me.. Then there was my brother Chad's girlfriend, Jewel, what a very very sweet girl...she too was mentally challenged...But she has so much to offer...so much to share...sure it took her a little while longer to get to the point she was trying to make....but sometimes the journey is the real lesson.She taught me so much about the face of adversity...she had seen her share and yet she smiled all of the time...she found the good and the positive in most everything...and she taught me that you dont have to be smart or educated to love...love is something so much bigger than anything that could ever be measured. I have also had friends that no matter what have been there...maybe time and distance have kept us separated..or maybe it was a life style change, but in the end no matter what that person has always been there...this is my forever friend and I would not trade her for the world... I have also had friends who do not even deserve the title of friends...and believe me I am not bitter about this at all...I think even with these people who have come and gone...I have learned and have walked away with some better knowledge or respect for life and love and for the friends that I have. I still will always stand behind my thought that I really have nothing to lose by being someones friend...I think that in the end the journey is the real lesson.. Hug those you love a little tighter today...and cherish the friendship and more importantly....reach out....touch someone's soul just by extending yourself...you have so much to gain in doing this. Smiles and kindness go a long way... Until the next time....my friends.......




This is something that I had previously written but thought it was worth sharing...you will have to excuse the improper grammer and punctuation...who needs all of that when this is so random.

Celebrating life

Okay. So today, after much consideration, I have decided to do a blog of my own. I have been told by many that I should blog...as if they believe that I truly have something to say...maybe I do. But today seemed fitting to me with today being October 1st....a very special day to me in that this is the day that I choose to start a Celebration of Life...I take this day and start it the same way I have for the last 11 years.....I go to the cemetary and pay respects to the woman that gave birth to me...a woman who sacrificed so much to make sure that her children had it all...and not meaning material things...but love. I, often, tell people that October is my birth month and it is....my birthday is Oct 5th....but I choose to celebrate the entire month...out of respect for life and as a way to show gratitude for all that I have been given in this life. Not many people in my family lives a long life...so I choose to celebrate life and am excited with each year that I am blessed with.
okay....well, I would love to stay and tell you more about me and my life and I will get around to doing just that...I will share my random thoughts from time to time...probably more often than not. Just bare with me as this new adventure takes on a life of its own! and Always Celebrate Life!