He stumbled.

My eyes popped open this morning...it felt really early to me, but my chocolate colored mousse room and dark curtains help to curtail the daylight from creeping in until I am ready for it too....I rolled over and looked at the clock....7:45AM. I was not happy.

I am not happy. I have nothing to do today. I didn't go to bed last night until late from visiting my brother and his family. I want to sleep, but laying next to me in bed is three books that my brother has let me borrow.

The one on top is callling my name, "Tracy, read me...read me"

I swear that is what I heard. I reach over to the other side of the bed and turn on the lamp. I open the book and start to read. Clearly, I needed to read this book. As I am reading, I perceive the main character, Jones, to be larger than life. (I won't reveal who I think, as to not ruin it for those who plan to read The Noticer by Andy Andrews.) I am mesmerized by this book and the dialogue and what the story entails, and yet, I have this nudge to get out of my warm bed on this cold, wet morning and go to church. Now, I do not really want to get out of my jammies today. I want to stay in bed and read. I want to be lazy. But as many times as I pushed this thought of going to church out of my head, it wouldn't go away. Reluctantly, I get out of bed. I get ready and I head off to church alone, without the kids. I left them sleeping. It didn't seem to be as important to me that they be there this morning as it was for me to be there.

I walk into church, greeted by a friendly face and a warm hug. I mosey on over to the kitchen area and get a much needed cup of coffee. I say hello to a few people and go to find a seat in The Family Room. (this is what we call our church) I sit and a few come to talk to me. One in particular talked for a while before worship began and I was really blessed by her. When she had gone away and we started to sing, I actually pulled out my phone and pulled up Facebook, and typed, "sitting here wondering why I was so compelled to be here." I hit send and put the phone right back into my pocket thinking about how I would like to be in bed, warm, in my jammies. My life is taking or has taken a road or two that I still haven't came to terms with and well, life is sometimes a surprise...good ones and bad ones. My mind was wandering to say the least and I was not paying attention.

And it happened......they reason I was so compelled to be there.

The cutest little boy, maybe 18 or 24 months old, went running by and he stumbled. He fell. I would of normally ran to the child's side to see if he was okay, but something held me back..froze me in my place, and I watched as he stumbled and fell.
I watched as he stumbled and fell; and I watched as he got back up, never missing a beat. Never letting that one stumble or fall hinder him from his task at hand. He stumbled and he got back up, immediately. He brushed off his hand, and kept on running. That fall never happened to that little one...not in a manner that it mattered to him anyway...he fell, got back up, brushed himself off, and kept running, continued to enjoy life. He even smiled at me as I watched him before he ran away.

I quickly thought about life, my life, and the lives of others...really quick thoughts....and wondered why sometimes in life we allow that stumble, or that fall to keep us down for so long. I do not have the answer...that wasn't revealed to me today...or not in a manner that I care to share here now. That's a whole other thought process than what I wanted to get across here today.

My focused turned to the service and the songs and the worshiping of God. I did realize though that all of that thinking and the little one's fall all happened in less than one song as they sung. I am not sure what song was playing at the time, but I know when that little one took off running and the next song started it was, "Mighty to Save".

Thank God!

Things...our things

I was thinking about a lot of different things as I was driving today....thinking about things....our things, my kids things, things you will find lying around my home.
Here is a short list: a list of things that should probably be put away but usually aren't.....let's see"
1. Hoodies...we have lots of hoodies in my home, some on kids, some in their floors, some in the closets, some....well, just everywhere.
2. Crayons and coloring books...yes, Kylie still likes to color.
3. Sports gear of all kinds...tennis balls for the dog, softball equipment, basketball equipment...gear of all kinds.
4. Shoes...we should start our own shoe store.
5. Dishes in the sink...yes, my kiddos like to eat.
6. Dog hair and cat hair...yes, we have hair...we vacuum everyday, but our furry family members live with us, they get on the furniture (they arent suppose to but they do) they sleep with us...they live as we do...shhhh, dont tell them they are pets...they do not know this.
7.Computers, Ipods, cell phones....everywhere.
8. Writing on the kids bathroom mirror...this is how Dylan remembers things and I am okay with that.
9.A basket of bills...feel free to pay them if you like.
10. Laughter, I mean, technically, it is a thing...it is all over my home. We laugh, we have fun, we laugh some more.
11. Blankets...you will usually find one on each couch...we like to be comfy.
12. Pictures of us, our friends....pictures of those we love...displayed in frames all over...Oh, and lets not forget the pictures on the fridge...every fridge should have important people on it.


These are just a few of the things we you will displayed out in my home...not sure if displayed is the right word, cause sometimes it is a mess....but I am okay with messes...our home is well lived in....we can clean it up later, but if an opportunity arises to laugh, or sit and talk, or look at those pictures together...I am all for that.

What kind of things do you have laying around that you would not want to live without?

Life is full of disappoinments BUT....

In the 37 years that I have been upon this year, I have experienced many, many, far too many disappointments, and somehow they continue to come my way. I am not talking the I didn't get that outfit I wanted or I didn't have that dream vacation that I wanted.

I am talking real disappointments.

I am talking about things that could have BROKEN me! BUT THEY DIDN'T!!!!

Things such as being sexually abused by my worthless piece of shit father for many, many years of my life, starting as early as I can remember as second grade.
And...things such as living in a home where my father shot the gun off, or wouldn't provide food for the family or was continually abusive in one emotional or financial way or another...maybe, I should do the happy dance that that ass didnt beat us, but perhaps those scars would have healed much easier.
Things such as my mother not being able to protect us as children because she lived in her own fear ridden life. Survival was key within the four walls of the Swindle home, and you did what you had to do to survive, whether that was just being quiet and not speaking while father was home, or hiding in the closet when he starting shooting the gun in the house, or watching him shoot and kill the family animals without crying or saying a word, or just getting up from the dinner table hungry because he was pissed off and didn't like what mom had cooked and would throw it out in the backyard to the dog.

Perhaps these are things I should and could keep to myself, but it is the reality of how I grew up and I SURVIVED! It did not break me! I came out of that home with a resilence like no other. It is true that bad things happen to good people, but it is also true that those bad things can be turned into positive attributes. It is true that I am who I am in spite of those tragedies.

I MADE A CHOICE TO BE WHO I AM...LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES!

True, statistics will show that I should be a loser, I should be someone who is non-functioning, someone who has lost her way to drugs, and alcohol, and promiscuity...but my spirit was much stronger than his abuse! I grew up with the thought that I would be someone, I would not live in his shadow. I would not live in fear. I would not become him and repeat that abuse on my own children.

Life is full of disappointments but it is what I did with those disappointments that made all the difference