Recently I was torn...a friend had a birthday...birthdays between she and I are HUGE...it take an entire month to celebrate our lives...truly, I mean this...birthdays are meant to be celebrated and she and I have the celebration down to a science! But this year, or rather a day in the month long celebration, she was going to share a meal and invited me along...normally I would go without question, but this time, I hesitated...stopped in my tracks and asked, "who is going?" To which she replied, "My mom, my aunt and my cousin." I declined. I think she was offended or disappointed; I heard it in her voice. I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow myself to be a a table of all female family...just couldn't do that to my heart. I do not have family...no mom, no sisters, no females of any kind...and I am not about to watch others having a realtionship that I know no part of but would love to have. I dont do well in those situations...so its best I stay away from them. Its not something that is easy to describe and someone cannot even begin to understand until they have experienced the loss of their mother...not something I wish upon anyone. It changes you...or it changed me!
Who knows maybe someday I will get there, be able to be in a room with peoples families...but for right now...my heart...my heart just isnt ready.
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Your heart is getting there, afterall, you do have a good relationship with your daughter. Your creating the female family relationship without hesitation. One step at a time, no need to rush yourself, it's a heart-breaking situation. <3
ReplyDeleteYou will someday. You have Kylie and someday maybe you'll have granddaughters too!
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