Sunday, November 21, 2010

Once again, I've said too much!

It's been some time since I posted anything. I am not sure why...there is always so much on my mind...renting space...emotions within my heart and thoughts within my mind that sometimes cause me joy and sometimes cause me such a bit of heartache.
I have such a dilemna brewing right now..a dilemna that I really have the answer to...just can't get others to listen or even take note or even help me in knowing what is really going on...a sense of knowing but yet unknowing...if that can make any sense at all to anyone but me.

Love...is a complicated thing, perhaps even an unreal thing and yet a real thing all at the same time. I jokingly call love....Hallmark bullshit...but in reality it is something that I am truly hung up on. I do love...I do feel....sometimes I think I love more than I should, there have been times, I have wondered if I should box that love up...place it in a pretty little box and wrap it with a ribbon and place in on a shelf in my closet...maybe to be brought out at a later time or maybe someday....many years from now..when my heart has healed..bring it back out and open it and just smile at how much I truly loved this person....and remember the times that he and I shared and just know that I tried and I loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally...without regret. Its a weird thing to know that you love and that the other person truly does love you as well, but prehaps not in the same manner as one would hope. I wonder why God would place someone in your life...allow you to fall completely in love with this person only to have that person not feel the same way....is it all a cruel joke? What is God trying to make me see? I often think and say that you can't help who you love...and I truly believe that...not in a bad way..but I think that the heart has a mind all its own...it loves and loves and loves without condition or without thought to how that love can truly make one a better person and break your heart all at the same time. This is what this love has done to me...it has made me a better person...far beyond what I could ever imagine. It has opened my eyes to a new perspective and allowed me to be Me.

There is this little part of me that wishes I knew exactly how he felt...a part of me that wishes he would express his true feelings for me...no matter what they are...good or bad, the love of a lover, or the love of a dear and close friend...whatever that answer is, it is something I could handle...my heart may need convincing, but knowing would be better than the unknown...to have the words spoken or written down would be a blessing. It would allow me to clear my mind, to allow for a sense of freedom from the chains that have bound my mind with the unknown. I am a talker and more than that a thinker...and whoa! my mind has so many pathways, so many ways of thinking which allow me to make assumptions that are based in fear at times...and those are the worst assumptions that anyone could make. When I make an assumption based in fear...my mouth tends to start moving and causes further problems. Often times, I will apologize and wish that I hadn't allowed my mouth to open. Maybe that is even how I will feel about this post...am I revealing too much of my thoughts...probably!