Monday, March 29, 2010

You're gonna miss me

I have often thought of myself as too nice...don't get me wrong, I can be the biggest bitch when I need to be....but all too often I am too nice...putting others ahead of myself. Now for most I don't mind this because it seems that positive out brings back positive in. I am a trusting person, except when it comes to my children. I don't even trust my own family to an extent with them. I feel as if I am a good judge of character, for the most part. I have been known to be wrong on occasion when it comes to judging someone's character, but this is because I have this way of seeing inside, seeing a side of people that they, maybe, don't even know about themselves. I have this way of seeing that vunerable side of people, a side they don't like to share. All too often, they will deny this side, if I were to ever bring it to their attention, and then quickly, cover this side up. It is a part of me, this seeing into people, that I would consider a curse at times. There have been times that I wish I hadn't seen that side, wish I didn't know such things. These things aren't often bad things, but they are things that make me believe in the person more than they believe in themselves. And when I can realize someone's potential...I often times expect them to live up to that potential...all too often this is when I get hurt, when my expectations are not met.
I have has such friends that haven't lived up to these expectations. I have had friends who are too consumed with themselves to even notice others around them. I have said to a few of them, when I have almost been pushed to my limit on the selfishness, that they will miss me when I am gone. But it doesn't change their actions. It doesn't change my hurt. All I can hope is that the experience will teach me something and it is my hope that I will learn such lesson. I do hope that I will leave a footprint on that person heart. I do hope that someday that person will miss me....not my in the physical sense....but me for what I represent....My kindness, the ability to believe, my smile...and I hope that footprint will leave them with a sense of warmth and maybe, just maybe, the ability to see beyond themselves.

My Church....The Family Room

The kids and I started attending the local church almost a year ago...We had tried different churches with friends many times, none of them seemed to really fit...One church Dylan even fell asleep. I felt the need to offer my children Christianity...feels as if it is part of my duties as a mother to introduce them....after all, their soul depends upon it.
So we started attending this church, if that is what you choose to call if since that is what it has always been called. It started out as a group of people who would get together for bible study, and from what I can understand, people who were tired of the tried and true church; the church that has gotten away from what it is all about..and really, it is all about GOD...or should be. Church isn't or should be about dressing up to come and worship God...God doesnt care what your wearing. It shouldn't be about the floors in newly laid carpet or expensive things on the walls or the best sound system. It shouldn't be about passing the collection plate. It shouldn't be about climbing into a confessional to talk to a man, who one has deemed more worthy to speak to God than yourself. It shouldn't be about anything other than God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. And this is exactly what one will find when they walk into The Family Room.
When you walk into The Family Room it is more about what you feel than what you see. When you enter you are going to see a older building that used to be the drug store in town, you are going to see a bunch of tables with chairs, and a couch or two and a TV and toys, and some music instruments, you are going to see picture of the familes who choose to call themselves members of the Mulberry Family. Your going to see an area where coffee is made, conversation is had, tears are shed and the cries of laughter are heard. You are going to see people in jeans, and kids in everyday school clothes, and flannels and your going to see water dropped upon the floor, chocolate bunnies smashed, and evergreen trees destroyed by a saw. Your going to see all of the things you would find in our own family room at home...well, maybe not a tree destroyed, but I think you get my point.
But what you are going to feel is so much more....your going to feel welcome to come as you are....your going to feel a connection. You're going to feel the love of a family. You're going to feel as you are at home. You're going to feel the love of Jesus and the presence of Him all around. You're going to feel friendships formed and bonds made, but those friendships and bonds are always open to adding more. You're going to feel the feeling of LOVING GOD AND LOVING ONE ANOTHER.
So see it isn't about what you see, but more of what you feel...Feel free to stop by and have a cup of coffee on Sunday morning with us...we would love to have you.

Thoughts of MY BELLY!

There has been so much on my mind...lots of things that many of us always think about...things like..."where is the sun?" and money, and love and sports, yes, it is almost baseball and softball season...and jobs and school and vacation and just how much I want to take one. God has been on my mind a lot...I know he is always in my mind, and heart, and soul, but lately, he has been in my thoughts...the ones I choose to hear. I have been thinking a lot about my salvation and my Christianity, and of what that means to me. I have been thinking of my mom a lot lately, most times, after 11 years of her being gone, I think more of Chad...my brother and my child. But lately, I see Mom a lot more when I look in the mirror. I have been working to loose weight...my constant roller coaster..and started running and have noticed some of the weight coming off in different places...visiable places...which tells me that I need to work out just a wee bit more than I have been. But this morning, I saw my mom's belly! haha...this is a funny concept, but my mom was so thin...but she always had a little poochie belly...and this morning I saw that same belly as I got undressed for a shower...I stood and laughed and could hear her saying, " I earned that belly." and what she meant was, she had three kids and that is what caused it. Okay, Mom, I totally agree with you! LOL...that is our story and I am sticking to it anyway! Funny, how all of those thoughts, depressing ones at times, my Mom is the one that stuck with me...the belly...our shared belly and the reason why we have gotten this said belly I speak of...

Friday, March 26, 2010

I am compassionate and caring.
I wonder if they are ready.
I hear the families cries.
I see the patient's fears.
I want to help them through.
I am compassionate and caring.
I pretend to be strong.
I feel their soul.
I touch their hearts.
I cry when they cry.
I am compassionate and caring.
I understand that death is a part of life.
I say, "She is gone."
I dream they will find comfort.
I try to give them strength.
I hope they will remember.
I am compassionate and caring.
This was an assignment that I had to do for an online course I am taking to continue my education. I dreaded doing this assignment, I thought, how does this possibly make me a better nurse. In the end I do not think it made me a better nurse, I think I am already a good nurse, I think it made me reflect and sometimes, reflection is a good thing.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Donate Life

Today I was viewing the Donate Life website, wanted to see what was new and updated and actually wanted to look for job opportunites. I cannot remember where I looked for this information last time, but I didn't find what I was looking for. It is ultimately what I want to do...work in organ procurement. I almost took a job with the organ procurement company before I went to work at Loyola, but the hours were too long for my kids lives. I did today, however, filled out that information to volunteer with the company. I think maybe this is what I might be looking for...I could learn what i need to know and then maybe transition into a staff position. I am not sure what it would entail, but I am anxious to find out. I have first hand experience with organ donation; my brother was a recepient and I am a nurse who works on a unit where heart and lung tansplants take place. It is the most amazing thing to me...giving of yourself or your loved ones in such a time of turmoil. I have witnessed how it changes lives. I went on a procurement run almost a year ago, and it was the highlight of my career. I have the nursing side to it and I have the family part of it...a good comination, if I say so myself. I remember fully placing my hand upon Chad's chest and feeling his new heart beat and I remember crying tears of joy that he was alive and tears of sadness for the donor and his or her family. There is still not a day that goes by that I do not think of my brother's donor. So I am looking forward to this new adventure...maybe it will be where I am suppose to be...just maybe.

Friday, March 12, 2010

It....my cell phone

My cell phone is SMART.....well, it is something else anyway. I have had it for several months...and still it is smarter than me. I still haven't been able to completely figure it out. I know there is a book that came with it...to read and figure it out...but I haven't looked at it.....I thought I could and would figure it out...but like I said.....IT IS SMARTER THAN ME!
It kinda reminds me of the movie Christine..the one where the car is possessed....yeah, that is my phone. If you call me and I am on the other line...I am going to hang up on you...not cause I want to...I probably want to really talk to you...but I do not know how to switch over the call. lol...and if I am in the middle of a text and you call...I am going to hang up on you! It is crazy that I cannot figure it out. I remember clearly the day I walked into the Verizon store and got the phone...I asked the man if they carried just a "regular" phone...he looked at me as if I had horns...those young kiddos..I did not mean the rotary circle dial phone that we had when I was a kid...I mean something that was "normal" but no, I walked out with some touch screen and full keyboard phone....ugh...I guess I should get with the current technology.
But there is something that I have figured out...I have outsmarted it on...I have figured out that my phone is sooooo smart it tells me when someone has received my text....there is actually this little symbol that pops up when someone has read the text that I have sent.....however, the problem is that it drives me crazy....when I ask someone a question and they don't respond...or better yet..they act as if they never got the text...this is a problem for me...cause I know they have gotten the text. My phone is smart in the sense that it can do so much...but it has a big mouth too...such a tattle tell...didn't it ever hear that snitches get stictches~
Today has been a difficult day for me...for reasons that cannot possibly be explained....there are not enough words in this world to put it all into anything that makes meaningful sense. I cannot make sense of it myself...nor can I begin to explain it to anyone else. I am hoping in time that it will all make sense to me and to others and to God.....I seem to hope that God will be the one that will understand and forgive before anyone else.