what they will remember

A friend asked my children, "When your mom is gone someday, what is the one thing that you will remember she used to say all the time?" or a question quite similar to that.

They replied:

"if its wet and its not yours, don't touch it."

and

"If I did 70% of my job, people would die."


I am definately a different kind of mom.

Love you both the same....

Over the years, I have heard on different occasions...."he is your favorite." or "you like her better than me" Hell, I can even remember my brothers and I saying the same thing to our mom at one point or another, but the truth is with me and my kids, I truly love them the same.
Sure there are certain characteristics that I like about my kids that they possess. For instance, I love how Kylie is so much like me and stands her ground. I love how she has the courage to go out and play sports.....something of which I never did.
With Dylan, I love how that child can make me laugh at the drop of a hat. I love how he he is so laid back.
With that being said, there are things that I am not fond of with both of them. With Kylie's strongheadedness, comes a attitude of her way of the highway at times....(yes, the child is very much mine). With Dylan being so laid back, well, lets just say that his living areas can be a little too laid back for me.
There are times that I want to convince them that there is no difference in love between them, but I know that they will never understand this love until they have children of their own....and there is plenty of time for that.

So here's to my children:
I promise to love you both equally.....
and
with
that
comes
this:
I will do whatever it take to make sure you get the best education you possible can...even if that mean riding your butt and checking your grades frequently and taking your possessions away.
I promise that if either of you ever need a kidney, you can have mine.
I promise to continue to tell you each and everyday that I love you...even if this someday gets on your nerves. And I promise to always hear your heart say, I love you too, even when you walk away without saying it.
I will call you out on your crap each and everytime...even if your friends are standing right there....they could probably use the lesson too.
I promise to always be honest with you...no matter how much others might think I am crazy.
I promise to always have your back.
I promise to be there to listen when your heart is broken and I promise to hold on a little tighter when I know you need it even if you don't realize you do.
I promise to continue to teach you to look for the good in others....even if they cannot see it in themselves.
I promise that I am always just a phone call or a text away.
I promise you that there is nothing in this entire World that you can do to make me love you any less.
I promise to always be your biggest cheerleader...in sports and in life.
I will always be proud of you.
I will love you to the moon and back and more than all the blades of grass.
I promise that I will cry at your graduations, and your weddings, and at the births of your children.
I promise to give your future spouses a fair shot...but will take them out if they ever hurt you...and we all know about pigs.
I promise to be the kind of grandma that neither of you have ever had the opportunity to experience.
I promise to always be me.
To Kylie, I promise that there will be days when you hate me and there will be a time when you will drift away...and I promise that I will be there waiting for you to return.
To Dylan, I promise that you will be very happy that you have paid attention to all of the chivalry things that I have tried to instill in you...Gentlemen should always treat a lady well....and you do a wonderful job at that at such a young age.

I cannot even begin to know how to love one child more than another...
it just isn't possible.

First thought this morning.....

My first thought this morning when I opened my eyes was.....

Dylan playing with a plastic pot with a funny face on it

I could see it in my mind....

his tiny little hands...well more of brut for a toddler who was bigger than everyone else his age....16 days before his first birthday....2 teeth in his little mouth.....little blue jeans, blue and white striped shirt, white shoes, little blonde hair and the cutest little face ever.

We were at Toddler Story hour at the Lake County Public Library, something we had been doing for several weeks now as a way to socialize him but that kid loved that pot and spoon and would rather play with it instead of the other kids. The premise was to listen to a short story, do activites and play with toys to interact with other little toddlers, but my son wanted to do his own thing and his thing was to dart to that pot every time and to take it from others if they had it. He knew exactly what he wanted! (he is still kind of this way now)

I had an uneasy feeling all day, not sure why. I remember getting up and getting both kids ready to go to story hour and then driving to pick up a friend and her children. This friend lived across the street from my mom. I honked at mom as I went by, the curtains were open, which meant she was up.

I wonder if she heard me, I wonder if she knew it was me.

When we left that day, I took that friend back to her house and left the kids with her and went over to check on mom. I went in the back door through the laundry room. I didn't go up the two steps into the kitchen; just stuck my head in and looked into the living room. I do not even remember if I called out her name or just looked in. I thought for a brief moment that mom was sleeping on the love seat. I pulled my head back through the door in an effort to let her sleep and not wake her. But as soon as I did this, my mind grasp what had happened and my heart sunk as I realized mom wasn't sleeping...Mom had passed away in her sleep.

There are things I remember about that day and I am sure there are some things that I do not remember. Today, I realized just how much Dylan doesn't remember. He was 16 days short of being one. This morning, he and I were talking about today being 13 years since she had passed and he spoke about how he was only one year old when she died. Not much one can remember at that age. Kylie has memories of her Granma...Dylan only has stories of what we have told him and a photo of the two of them together. All I can tell him and I do hope he truly believes this...She loved her little squoosh face and she would be so proud of the wonderful young man he has become.

Passerby

Over the summer, I, along with my daughter, her friend, Lexi and my friend, Michelle passed by an accident on State Road 49. At first, we weren't even sure it was an accident, but something told us that we should go back and just check. We arrived at the scene and realized that it was a car vs. a motorcycle. I called out to a man wandering back and forth and calling for his dog as it ran around in the field. He said he thought he was okay, but that I should check the other guy and pointed behind him in the tall grass. Michelle and I saw the man and ran towards him, I yelled for Kylie to call 911 from my car via Onstar. We approached the man and saw that he was in a bad state and attempted to revive him although our efforts were futile.
Michelle, Kylie and I paid our respects to Howard at the funeral home and had the priviledge of meeting Howard's children and other family, although we all wished it was under different circumstances.
Several weeks later, I received a card in the mail thanking me for stopping to help Howard. Michelle received a similar card as well. I have this card hanging on my corkboard in the kitchen and look at it from time to time to be reminded that we should all strive to make a difference in the lives of someone else. The card is a constant reminder that you never know when you may affect someone elses life.
The card reads as follows: Thank you very much..even yhough you didn't have to do it. You did it anyway and it was much appreciated.
Below is what was hand written by Howard's daughter, Amanda.
"Tracy, we thank you from the bottom of our hears. You are definately one of God's angels. It puts our minds at ease to know our dad wasn't alone, to know you tried everything your could to bring him back to us. Just when you think that there is nobody that cares, you show up. You will always have a place in our hearts and we dont want to let this be the end of the relationship. we'd like for you and your family to be a part of our lives. You are a wonderful, kind, compassionate woman and the world needs more people like you."

Thanks, Amanda, those words truly touched my heart and you and your family will always hold a place in my heart.

God Speed Howard....may you be at peace and your families hearts comforted.

So theres this thing....

So there is this thing....this very important thing....its probably more than one thing really...but this thing is my heart, my emotions, my perception....but nonetheless they are a thing and they are mine.
So this heart of mine cares...cares way too much about way too many things....not something I can change about me, but on some issues I am going to try to change....I will have to see if the heart will allow just that.

My heart cares about family...family to me is those of the same bloodline with a few exceptions and those who are by marriage and those who are by my choice....so family can encompass many. Family is what I choose.
Recently, I had family show me that, although this person is very important to me, my heart, and my life....I am not so important to them. This is something that bothered me for days and then I got to thinking about other times and events in my life when this person wasn't there either..I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I do not matter to them as they do to me...not everyone cares quite like I do.

I have decided that I am going to take a step back from said individual...I am going to limit my heart. I spoke with my daughter about this subject and she initially told me to be the bigger person and just reach out...I further expressed my hearts hurt and she came to realize as I do. She told me that a person can only try so much. I am going to take my daughters advice and I am going to stop trying so much....my heart will hopefully be a little happier.

How I have missed this!

I really have missed blogging, although, I did not realize I had done so until I wanted to read something that I had written. I then went and reread some of the other things I had written....funny how I could remember exactly what I was doing or the feelings that I felt as I writing.

I am going to start blogging again...I have a million things in my head that need to be expressed...happy thoughts, sad thoughts, memories, love, matters of the heart, and just stuff...a whole lot of this and that!

Stay tuned

Today I cried...Today I prayed.

I am completely amazed at people everyday...some of that amazement is good and other times, that amazement brings me to a real place of sadness and heartache and then the tears start to fall....

The tears fell today after I received a text from a friend in law enforcement. This person was going into a school to babysit, make sure nothing happens, to keep the peace among the students, if you will IN A SCHOOL dressed with things hanging off of a belt that I do not even want to know about....tasers, and gun (maybe) and who knows what else.

I sent this person a text that said, "My goodness, you're going into a school like that...Dear God, please help those children...it makes me so sad that they know no other way of life."

I followed with a text that said, "it just breaks my heart...like I'm really crying...those poor babies, shame on their parents."

I sat at my kitchen table and cried and prayed for those kids and for my friend and the heart that this person has to do the type of work they do.

I sat and reflected on where I came from...a broken home from Black Oak, the child of a biker, a drug addict, a womanizer, a childmolestor....I grew up in an environment where I am lucky to have made it out alive. There were many days that there were more drugs in my house than there was food in the home. I thought about the violence within the home, the negativity, the verbal abuse. I thought about my brothers and what they must have felt within that home. I thought about my mom and how she couldn't protect us but showed us love the best way she knew how. I thought about her telling us that we were to get a good education so that we didn't have to live as she did someday. I thought about how she wanted more for us. I grew up in an environment where I should be an addict myself, I should have been a troubled child in all sorts of mischief and bad things....this is what statistics tell me.

I thought about what it was that made me different...what gave me the drive to do better than I was taught. I do not really have the answer to that question other than I wanted more than what I had been placed before me and I had a mother that insisted we get an education and who expressed that we were to do better than she did. She wanted more for us.

I thought about those children within the walls of that school. I thought about their fears. I thought about the nights they may come home to no one. I thought about how they may not ever have anyone tell them they are better than their environment. I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are beautiful or have anyone tell them they are special and I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are loved. I thought about how they might see drugs within their homes or if they have anyone to cook them meals. I thought about the way they may feel as if they have no one or nothing and how they may have seen their parents obtain things illegally and they think this is the right way to do things. I thought about how they may have seen their parents live on welfare and still manage to do decent through illegal activity and think this is okay. I also thought about how some of those children will join in with a bad group of people just to feel as if they belong to something greater than themselves. I thought about how lost some kids are due to no fault of their own. I thought about how many will die or become imprisoned....and I cried.

Children are so receptive...they take everything in whether that is good or bad. They are so impressionable and just want to be loved and will do whatever they have to feel loved.

I thought about my children and I thanked God for them.

My children go to a school where there is a police officer that goes into the school from time to time. He is friendly with the kids, the kids like him...know him by name and will even wave to him on the street and talk to him if they see him out. He is a good, positive presence in the lives of the children within my children's school. Of course, I live in small community, with traditional families and community support. I live in an environment much different than I grew up in and much different than where my friend was going today.

The school this friend of mine was going into I do not know much about; I do know though it is not a area I would choose to live or an area I would make the choice to send my children to school in. Maybe the education is great, and I hope it is for these children. I hope that some of these children will find a mentor, a teacher, or a counselor that will steer them in the right direction. I prayed that these children will get a glimmer of hope and the drive of a champion to become the best positive outcome possible of themselves. I pray they see hard work as a good thing and they will realize anything worth anything in this world is worth fighting for...and I prayed they would fight for themselves.