Tammy and Tracy...a little about us.

In late 1973, this picture of that cute little china doll and that crying little baby was taken. The china doll aka is Tammy, my cousin. The crying little baby is me. I was probably about 2 months old in this photo and Tammy was about 18 months old. This photo is one that sits on my dresser, one that I get to see everyday....and I have to say that I love it...you cannot see our faces...but you can see the love...minus the crying. Here is this little toddler, kissing her baby cousin. Now, I am sure I am not crying because she is kissing me, but I am sure I was crying and she was trying to comfort me. Such a good momma from such a young age.



Today is Tammy's birthday...she turned 38 today...where did 37 years go from the time this picture was taken...how did it slip by so quickly? I sent her flowers today....she told me I was too nice to her...I dont see it as being nice...I see it as doing something for someone you love just because I wanted to. I was a bit upset though when I called to order them this morning...I had no idea what her favorite flower was...so I picked just a pinky arrangement with a short vase. I do hope she liked them.



Tammy and I didn't grow up together much. Differences in lifestyles I guess. But I remember I wrote her a letter and mailed it as an early teen and we had kept in contact on and off over the years. Within the last few years, we have really became a lot closer. I trust her with everything.

I love that we are in constant communication now, regardless of what the reasons are...sometimes to laugh, or make plans, or to moan and holler. It is all okay with me, as I am sure it is with her as well. She is the only family besides my brother that links me to my mom and I am sure she would say that same thing about me. My mom and her mother were sisters. Tammy's mother, Marcia, died when she was little, died before this picture was even taken. I never got to meet her mother. I did hear my mom talk of her often though. But that is our connections...family. We live in different parts of the country...she in sunshiney Florida and I in we-only-have-two-seasons Indiana....but we always enjoy our time together. Tammy will be making a Indiana visit next month and I cannot wait to see her. I will, hopefully, be making a visit to Florida in November...what a treat to be able to see each other two times in one year! I am so looking forward to it.



Here is another photo...a really old one taken in 1957...long before Tammy or I was ever thought of...it is a photo of our maternal grandmother, Joyce, who died about 3 years after this photo was taken and the little brown haired girl in the middle is Marcia, Tammy's mother, maybe she was 5ish and the little blonde was my mom, Brenda, who is 3. This is where our story begun......

The Best of Friends

Above is a photo that sits in my living room amongst other photos. This photo, however, will still be sitting in my living room long after the others have been changed to newer, updated photos. And I hope that my children, which ever one decided to take this photo when I die, will keep this photo out to look at and remember the friendship and the bond that the four of us shared. This photo was taken while snorkeling in the Bahamas in June of 2005. It was the best vacation that I have ever been on. It was, with the exception of booking the flight to and from Florida and booking the cruise, a fly by the seat of your pants kinda trip...no real plans, no hotel accomodations. I think we all could have slept on the beach and have been just as happy as sleeping in the Motel 6 that we slept in the first night we were there. We went on limited funds, but dang it we went and had the best time....EVER! We rented a car...an overpriced car at that...but it was worth it to see Ronnie drive it as he did all rental cars...as if he had stolen it and then had entered it in the crash up derby at the local fair...that poor car...Ronnie was the reason that car rental places sell rental insurance!

We boarded the ship and we had the best times...laying in the wind....literally, laying in the wind. The winds were so strong it made our skin move, it made us stay standing somewhat straight as we leaned into it...it was the darkest of nights out there on the blackest of oceans....the only way we knew each other was there, was that we could feel the love amongst friends and the moon lit our faces just enough to show us the face of friends. We got to the Bahamas and was immediately approached by men wanting us to buy drugs...so Ronnie and Mike bought us bracelets instead. We shopped in the small little town...mostly, we walked through the streets or alleys as they appeared to be. We went to Senor Frogs and drank that night, we walked along the water and could see the sting rays as they swam to and fro. We took an excursion to The Blue Lagoon....yes, the same island that Brooke Shields movie was filmed at. This is where we snorkeled. This was my first time and I think it was Mike's first time too. I am not sure if it was Ron and Wanda's but I kinda think it was Wanda's because we laughed so hard at her when she couldn't walk in the shoes...haha..it still makes me chuckle when I close my eyes and picture it in my head. I made my scuba steve appearance...oh to have those memories captured on camera as well as in my heart and mind are completely priceless to me.
We didn't plan this trip at all, so when we to get back to Florida, we had no idea where we could be staying again. Although, we did rent the car ahead of time, as to not have to steal someone's child to pay for the rental...we had left our own children at home. But our sleeping arrangements were a bit of a concern. We were tired and wore out from the sun and we wanted to sleep in air conditioning. There was a sales person in the Bahamas promoting the Ron Jon Surf Resort. He agreed we would attend a sales pitch that we could stay there upon our arrival. Well, hell that sounded great to us...if its FREE it is for us. All we had to do was pay the tax! Yippie! We could do anything for a free room. Once back on land we swiftly got our car and headed to the shop, luggage in hand and headed in. Well, we were told by the receptionist that we could attend but would not get the room until out next visit! NEXT VISIT...she obvisiously, did not ever meet anyone of the likes of me...I quietly informed her that we would be staying tonight as we were promised if we attended the sales pitch. She said she would see what she could do..well, I informed her that we would be staying TONIGHT...not a year from now and that if she didnt come up with a room for us...we would be waiting for her to get off work and we would be staying with her at her home....amazingly, she found us a room.
This was the best trip that I have ever went on...sure, I have been on other trips with other friends and have had a blast...but this trip meant so much more to me, to all of us...as it was the last trip that we would all take together as friends without children. This was the last trip of such fly by the seat of your pants that the four of us would take together. We camped and did other things as friends, Ron and Wanda and Mike and I. We had talked about taking more trips like this one, but Ron's life was cut short before we could do this again. This is why this trip means so much.There will never be another trip like this one. There will be other trips with other friends, but this trip will always hold a special place in my heart and in Mike's and in Wanda's. This was a trip where the best of friends shared something far beyond just standing on the coast of somewhere beautiful.

Trust and who I am

I have a confession to make....I am standoffish (if that is a word). I do not trust easily. It takes a lot for me to let people in, although, I believe in people even when they do not deserve it. But with myself, it takes a lot....a whole lot....to let people in. Even if I appear to let someone in, I keep my heart guarded. I love people, but hate hurt. I have found that once someone hurts me, it is forever. There may be a time of forgiveness for me with that person, but I will never fully trust that person again with matters of my heart. I may share things with them; I may share a meal; I may act as if everything is okay...but really, I have this shield up around my heart...never fully letting that person back in. This person may not even realize this about me...but I have realized it about myself. Protective mechanism of sorts....I am sure people like Piaget, Erikson, and Freud would have a field day within the confines of my heart and my head, but it is who I am. It is a behavior that I have learned in order to survive the hardships that I have gone through. As a survivor of sexual child abuse, I had to learn to separate my heart and my mind in order to become a survivor. Is this a healthy approach? Who is to say? I am happy with me. I am a mother of two beautiful children. I am successful in my career. I have friends who love me and have my back. I think my marriage has suffered the most. I think that I am not as trusting of my husband as he would like me to be...not in a jealous way...that stuff doesnt bother me. But with him, I guess that I never really allow myself to trust him. I guess when the one man...your father...betrays you in the manner in which he did...I guess it sets a tone for the other man that comes along and is suppose to love you unconditionally. Some people have told me that I should seek therapy...and others think I am well adjusted when they hear my story...I am not sure what the answer is. I think that maybe therapy would be good at times and other times I do not want to go any where near anyone who will attempt to get into my head. God has this funny little way of protecting us when we need it...kinda like Footprints in the Sand...where he carried the subject of that poem...I think that during that time of sexual abuse that God carried me and protected me from a lifetime of memories that I really do not want. There are just some thing that you do not need to remember. I have so many happy memories and those are what I choose to set my focus on. Sure that abuse has shaped me into the person that I am, but I choose to think that since I see myself as a survivor and not a victim, that perhaps I have a little more compassion for people...you never know where they have been or what they have been through that has hardened their hearts. I think that people need a break sometimes in life, and maybe I am the person to give them that break or that smile. I do not deny what I have been through and how it has ultimately affected me...but I will stand firmly on the belief that I have risen above.

Small Town Living

A few years ago, almost 4 years ago, we moved to a small town. A town where we thought we could build a better life for our kids and ourselves. A place where the schools were rated exceptionally well and small classroom sizes. A place that would feel like home, a place where the people are friendlier and nicer. I think that we have found some of this and some of it I think is completely unobtainable. Yes, we got the small town. So small that we have only one gas station and a grocery store. We have a flashing light on the corner of the one main street in town, that just so happens to be called Main Street. It is a quaint little town. We got the good schools that I so desperately wanted for my kids. My kids got good friendships that I am certain they will have for life. I have a home that I love...although, it seems I have to hear on a regular basis how the other three that live her would like to have stairs. I love the small town...I love the way it is well kept. BUT the one thing that I do not like is that I did not grow up here...and many, many people did grow up here as did their entire families for many generations, which in turn makes me an outsider and I will always be an outsider no matter how long I live here. I think there maybe hope for my kids...we came here when Kylie was in 4th grade and Dylan in 2nd...so there has to be hope for them.
It is weird how even my neighbors keep to themselves. Is this just where I live? or is this just the way of people now a days? I know the names of my neighbors directly across the street and next door to me. I seem to know all of the kids in the neighborhood or most of them, the ones that play at my house anyway. I know who the parents are of a few of my kids friends...I actually know them by name and have shared a meal or a conversation with them. Some of the other parents I know that they belong to suzie or johnny....but not much more than that. It seems those are the parents that have lived her their entire lives...as if they are islanders. (Islanders are known to be quite conservative with outsiders.) As if there is some secret that I am not allowed in on. At school functions, I feel it. At church, I feel it. I am not sure what it is or how to describe it, but it is there and it is real. I know I love where I live..and I am here to stay...do you hear me, Islanders?

Mothers Day

As Mother's Day is tomorrow, I am once again reminded of how wonderful my mom truly was. How steady she made things on such a shaky ground, I am reminded that love truly goes on and on...it doesn't die...it carries on and on. It is something that I see everyday when I wake, when I talk to my brother on the phone, when I talk to my kids and the memories that they have of her. It is everyday that I look within myself and see the love that she gave me and the love that I am able to in turn give my own children. She was a wonderful woman who died much too young and endured way too much pain. She was and always will be my strength!
There was an entry in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books that I read many, many years ago. There was one story in particular that I really tugged at my heartstrings, I made a copy of it and gave it to my mom....It really touched home, as I am sure it will for many. Here is a small passage from it. It was titled, "I owe you"
"The person I owe them to worked very cheap. She managed simply by doing without a whole lot of things that she needed for herself. My IOU's add up to much more than I could ever hope to repay. But you know the nicest thing about it all is that I know she'd mark the entire bill "paid in full" for just one kiss and for little words-Mom, I love you."
It still brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.
I hope everyone has a blessed Mothers Day!