Over the summer, I, along with my daughter, her friend, Lexi and my friend, Michelle passed by an accident on State Road 49. At first, we weren't even sure it was an accident, but something told us that we should go back and just check. We arrived at the scene and realized that it was a car vs. a motorcycle. I called out to a man wandering back and forth and calling for his dog as it ran around in the field. He said he thought he was okay, but that I should check the other guy and pointed behind him in the tall grass. Michelle and I saw the man and ran towards him, I yelled for Kylie to call 911 from my car via Onstar. We approached the man and saw that he was in a bad state and attempted to revive him although our efforts were futile.
Michelle, Kylie and I paid our respects to Howard at the funeral home and had the priviledge of meeting Howard's children and other family, although we all wished it was under different circumstances.
Several weeks later, I received a card in the mail thanking me for stopping to help Howard. Michelle received a similar card as well. I have this card hanging on my corkboard in the kitchen and look at it from time to time to be reminded that we should all strive to make a difference in the lives of someone else. The card is a constant reminder that you never know when you may affect someone elses life.
The card reads as follows: Thank you very much..even yhough you didn't have to do it. You did it anyway and it was much appreciated.
Below is what was hand written by Howard's daughter, Amanda.
"Tracy, we thank you from the bottom of our hears. You are definately one of God's angels. It puts our minds at ease to know our dad wasn't alone, to know you tried everything your could to bring him back to us. Just when you think that there is nobody that cares, you show up. You will always have a place in our hearts and we dont want to let this be the end of the relationship. we'd like for you and your family to be a part of our lives. You are a wonderful, kind, compassionate woman and the world needs more people like you."
Thanks, Amanda, those words truly touched my heart and you and your family will always hold a place in my heart.
God Speed Howard....may you be at peace and your families hearts comforted.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
So theres this thing....
So there is this thing....this very important thing....its probably more than one thing really...but this thing is my heart, my emotions, my perception....but nonetheless they are a thing and they are mine.
So this heart of mine cares...cares way too much about way too many things....not something I can change about me, but on some issues I am going to try to change....I will have to see if the heart will allow just that.
My heart cares about family...family to me is those of the same bloodline with a few exceptions and those who are by marriage and those who are by my choice....so family can encompass many. Family is what I choose.
Recently, I had family show me that, although this person is very important to me, my heart, and my life....I am not so important to them. This is something that bothered me for days and then I got to thinking about other times and events in my life when this person wasn't there either..I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I do not matter to them as they do to me...not everyone cares quite like I do.
I have decided that I am going to take a step back from said individual...I am going to limit my heart. I spoke with my daughter about this subject and she initially told me to be the bigger person and just reach out...I further expressed my hearts hurt and she came to realize as I do. She told me that a person can only try so much. I am going to take my daughters advice and I am going to stop trying so much....my heart will hopefully be a little happier.
So this heart of mine cares...cares way too much about way too many things....not something I can change about me, but on some issues I am going to try to change....I will have to see if the heart will allow just that.
My heart cares about family...family to me is those of the same bloodline with a few exceptions and those who are by marriage and those who are by my choice....so family can encompass many. Family is what I choose.
Recently, I had family show me that, although this person is very important to me, my heart, and my life....I am not so important to them. This is something that bothered me for days and then I got to thinking about other times and events in my life when this person wasn't there either..I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I do not matter to them as they do to me...not everyone cares quite like I do.
I have decided that I am going to take a step back from said individual...I am going to limit my heart. I spoke with my daughter about this subject and she initially told me to be the bigger person and just reach out...I further expressed my hearts hurt and she came to realize as I do. She told me that a person can only try so much. I am going to take my daughters advice and I am going to stop trying so much....my heart will hopefully be a little happier.
How I have missed this!
I really have missed blogging, although, I did not realize I had done so until I wanted to read something that I had written. I then went and reread some of the other things I had written....funny how I could remember exactly what I was doing or the feelings that I felt as I writing.
I am going to start blogging again...I have a million things in my head that need to be expressed...happy thoughts, sad thoughts, memories, love, matters of the heart, and just stuff...a whole lot of this and that!
Stay tuned
I am going to start blogging again...I have a million things in my head that need to be expressed...happy thoughts, sad thoughts, memories, love, matters of the heart, and just stuff...a whole lot of this and that!
Stay tuned
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Today I cried...Today I prayed.
I am completely amazed at people everyday...some of that amazement is good and other times, that amazement brings me to a real place of sadness and heartache and then the tears start to fall....
The tears fell today after I received a text from a friend in law enforcement. This person was going into a school to babysit, make sure nothing happens, to keep the peace among the students, if you will IN A SCHOOL dressed with things hanging off of a belt that I do not even want to know about....tasers, and gun (maybe) and who knows what else.
I sent this person a text that said, "My goodness, you're going into a school like that...Dear God, please help those children...it makes me so sad that they know no other way of life."
I followed with a text that said, "it just breaks my heart...like I'm really crying...those poor babies, shame on their parents."
I sat at my kitchen table and cried and prayed for those kids and for my friend and the heart that this person has to do the type of work they do.
I sat and reflected on where I came from...a broken home from Black Oak, the child of a biker, a drug addict, a womanizer, a childmolestor....I grew up in an environment where I am lucky to have made it out alive. There were many days that there were more drugs in my house than there was food in the home. I thought about the violence within the home, the negativity, the verbal abuse. I thought about my brothers and what they must have felt within that home. I thought about my mom and how she couldn't protect us but showed us love the best way she knew how. I thought about her telling us that we were to get a good education so that we didn't have to live as she did someday. I thought about how she wanted more for us. I grew up in an environment where I should be an addict myself, I should have been a troubled child in all sorts of mischief and bad things....this is what statistics tell me.
I thought about what it was that made me different...what gave me the drive to do better than I was taught. I do not really have the answer to that question other than I wanted more than what I had been placed before me and I had a mother that insisted we get an education and who expressed that we were to do better than she did. She wanted more for us.
I thought about those children within the walls of that school. I thought about their fears. I thought about the nights they may come home to no one. I thought about how they may not ever have anyone tell them they are better than their environment. I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are beautiful or have anyone tell them they are special and I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are loved. I thought about how they might see drugs within their homes or if they have anyone to cook them meals. I thought about the way they may feel as if they have no one or nothing and how they may have seen their parents obtain things illegally and they think this is the right way to do things. I thought about how they may have seen their parents live on welfare and still manage to do decent through illegal activity and think this is okay. I also thought about how some of those children will join in with a bad group of people just to feel as if they belong to something greater than themselves. I thought about how lost some kids are due to no fault of their own. I thought about how many will die or become imprisoned....and I cried.
Children are so receptive...they take everything in whether that is good or bad. They are so impressionable and just want to be loved and will do whatever they have to feel loved.
I thought about my children and I thanked God for them.
My children go to a school where there is a police officer that goes into the school from time to time. He is friendly with the kids, the kids like him...know him by name and will even wave to him on the street and talk to him if they see him out. He is a good, positive presence in the lives of the children within my children's school. Of course, I live in small community, with traditional families and community support. I live in an environment much different than I grew up in and much different than where my friend was going today.
The school this friend of mine was going into I do not know much about; I do know though it is not a area I would choose to live or an area I would make the choice to send my children to school in. Maybe the education is great, and I hope it is for these children. I hope that some of these children will find a mentor, a teacher, or a counselor that will steer them in the right direction. I prayed that these children will get a glimmer of hope and the drive of a champion to become the best positive outcome possible of themselves. I pray they see hard work as a good thing and they will realize anything worth anything in this world is worth fighting for...and I prayed they would fight for themselves.
The tears fell today after I received a text from a friend in law enforcement. This person was going into a school to babysit, make sure nothing happens, to keep the peace among the students, if you will IN A SCHOOL dressed with things hanging off of a belt that I do not even want to know about....tasers, and gun (maybe) and who knows what else.
I sent this person a text that said, "My goodness, you're going into a school like that...Dear God, please help those children...it makes me so sad that they know no other way of life."
I followed with a text that said, "it just breaks my heart...like I'm really crying...those poor babies, shame on their parents."
I sat at my kitchen table and cried and prayed for those kids and for my friend and the heart that this person has to do the type of work they do.
I sat and reflected on where I came from...a broken home from Black Oak, the child of a biker, a drug addict, a womanizer, a childmolestor....I grew up in an environment where I am lucky to have made it out alive. There were many days that there were more drugs in my house than there was food in the home. I thought about the violence within the home, the negativity, the verbal abuse. I thought about my brothers and what they must have felt within that home. I thought about my mom and how she couldn't protect us but showed us love the best way she knew how. I thought about her telling us that we were to get a good education so that we didn't have to live as she did someday. I thought about how she wanted more for us. I grew up in an environment where I should be an addict myself, I should have been a troubled child in all sorts of mischief and bad things....this is what statistics tell me.
I thought about what it was that made me different...what gave me the drive to do better than I was taught. I do not really have the answer to that question other than I wanted more than what I had been placed before me and I had a mother that insisted we get an education and who expressed that we were to do better than she did. She wanted more for us.
I thought about those children within the walls of that school. I thought about their fears. I thought about the nights they may come home to no one. I thought about how they may not ever have anyone tell them they are better than their environment. I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are beautiful or have anyone tell them they are special and I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are loved. I thought about how they might see drugs within their homes or if they have anyone to cook them meals. I thought about the way they may feel as if they have no one or nothing and how they may have seen their parents obtain things illegally and they think this is the right way to do things. I thought about how they may have seen their parents live on welfare and still manage to do decent through illegal activity and think this is okay. I also thought about how some of those children will join in with a bad group of people just to feel as if they belong to something greater than themselves. I thought about how lost some kids are due to no fault of their own. I thought about how many will die or become imprisoned....and I cried.
Children are so receptive...they take everything in whether that is good or bad. They are so impressionable and just want to be loved and will do whatever they have to feel loved.
I thought about my children and I thanked God for them.
My children go to a school where there is a police officer that goes into the school from time to time. He is friendly with the kids, the kids like him...know him by name and will even wave to him on the street and talk to him if they see him out. He is a good, positive presence in the lives of the children within my children's school. Of course, I live in small community, with traditional families and community support. I live in an environment much different than I grew up in and much different than where my friend was going today.
The school this friend of mine was going into I do not know much about; I do know though it is not a area I would choose to live or an area I would make the choice to send my children to school in. Maybe the education is great, and I hope it is for these children. I hope that some of these children will find a mentor, a teacher, or a counselor that will steer them in the right direction. I prayed that these children will get a glimmer of hope and the drive of a champion to become the best positive outcome possible of themselves. I pray they see hard work as a good thing and they will realize anything worth anything in this world is worth fighting for...and I prayed they would fight for themselves.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
She's driving...where did the time go?
It seems like a week ago, I was looking at the ultrasound photo of my baby girl as she flipped around and kicked at the girl performing the ultrasound.
I knew from that moment, that beautiful baby inside my womb would be a spitfire and my suspicisions were right!
It seems like yesterday that I went to the hospital to have that little precious girl, and it seems like a minute ago that she was driving around the back yard in some battery powered vehicle...
But today....as tears fell from my eyes and I climbed into the passenger seat....
She began to drive my car!
The tears were tears of happiness for her, and also a tear or two fell as it hit me that she has grown to be such a beautiful young lady faster than I would have liked. But she has developed into this beautiful being and has such class, and passions, and she has a beautiful personality. She has grown into someone that I am very proud of.
I just dont know where the time went...how did she go from that cute little toddler that would stumble and fall and when something went wrong she would say in her little reassuring voice, "its okay, its an accident mommy" to this beautiful being sitting behind my steering wheel? How did this happen? Where did the time go?
I pray that God will be with her always as she is learning to drive. I pray that he will keep her safe when she is looking elsewhere or her mind is drifting while she is driving. (it is a scary thing to put your child in the seat of a car where she controls everything). I pray that God will give me patience, and understanding, and tolerance, and that He will allow me to remember what it was like to be 15 and full of excitement and wanting to drive. I pray that she will have some patience with me as well.
Friday, April 15, 2011
I don't do......families.
What a neat thing to see....a family interacting, sharing memories. Oh, I love to hear about the family vacations and the holidays and just the memories that they have all shared. Families, happy families, will always share their experiences and their love, especially big families and I am happy for them. Happy that they have had the chance to share in something so wonderful. Families are amazing to me and a sadness to me as well.
I don't usually pick friends with families!
I only pick friends with small families that don't really gather together that often....I guess, that is easier for me. Lessens the hurt to a degree.
Out of sight, out of mind, kinda philosophy.
This philosphy works for me most of the time...I definately do not do female families at all...no way....one could not even pull me into that for all of the money in the world...I will never partake in that as that is too painful. The concept of sitting down to lunch of dinner with a group of women sharing a history, or blood...really makes my blood turn cold...that is not a place I will ever go.
But tonight, I was sitting with a friend of mine and her family...wonderful family...you could feel the love in the room. The way they all talked and laughed and remembered the olden days was completely amazing to me. I don't know what that is like. I sat and I listened and I took it all in. They had me laughing and enjoying their stories....mesmerized really at the thought of this is what it is like to belong to something much greater than yourself...and in turn have that contribute to who I am in a positive manner.
I have never had that...family...never belonged to that.
Growing up it was essentially my mother and two brothers and myself. My father came and went from time to time, but he was never part of the family. I had no maternal family at all. I had paternal grandparents but they moved when I was in 4th grade and I never really heard from them again until I was an adult and sought them out...but no history of being a family exists there. No family vacations, no holidays, no family get togethers, no days of just hanging out and having fun....these are memories that I will never have or I will never experience the love of a family in that manner and sometimes that is painful for me.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I drove home with tears in my eyes tonight from such a wonderful experience...but the tears fell as I talked to God and thanked him for allowing me to take part in that for the moment. Reinforces to me that I can make a difference in the memories of my children and that things that we do, the laughter we share. I still have no family except for my brother, that hasnt changed and that is not going to change anytime soon, really wont change until I have grandchildren but when I do, I plan to start those kinds of memories for my grandbabies. I cannot change things for my kids in the sense of family gatherings and grandparents but I can do that best that I can to let them know they are loved and I think they know that.
I told my friend she was one lucky kid tonight after I had left her house. She responded saying she knew and that she was so grateful....I hope she truly understand just how lucky she is.
I don't usually pick friends with families!
I only pick friends with small families that don't really gather together that often....I guess, that is easier for me. Lessens the hurt to a degree.
Out of sight, out of mind, kinda philosophy.
This philosphy works for me most of the time...I definately do not do female families at all...no way....one could not even pull me into that for all of the money in the world...I will never partake in that as that is too painful. The concept of sitting down to lunch of dinner with a group of women sharing a history, or blood...really makes my blood turn cold...that is not a place I will ever go.
But tonight, I was sitting with a friend of mine and her family...wonderful family...you could feel the love in the room. The way they all talked and laughed and remembered the olden days was completely amazing to me. I don't know what that is like. I sat and I listened and I took it all in. They had me laughing and enjoying their stories....mesmerized really at the thought of this is what it is like to belong to something much greater than yourself...and in turn have that contribute to who I am in a positive manner.
I have never had that...family...never belonged to that.
Growing up it was essentially my mother and two brothers and myself. My father came and went from time to time, but he was never part of the family. I had no maternal family at all. I had paternal grandparents but they moved when I was in 4th grade and I never really heard from them again until I was an adult and sought them out...but no history of being a family exists there. No family vacations, no holidays, no family get togethers, no days of just hanging out and having fun....these are memories that I will never have or I will never experience the love of a family in that manner and sometimes that is painful for me.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I drove home with tears in my eyes tonight from such a wonderful experience...but the tears fell as I talked to God and thanked him for allowing me to take part in that for the moment. Reinforces to me that I can make a difference in the memories of my children and that things that we do, the laughter we share. I still have no family except for my brother, that hasnt changed and that is not going to change anytime soon, really wont change until I have grandchildren but when I do, I plan to start those kinds of memories for my grandbabies. I cannot change things for my kids in the sense of family gatherings and grandparents but I can do that best that I can to let them know they are loved and I think they know that.
I told my friend she was one lucky kid tonight after I had left her house. She responded saying she knew and that she was so grateful....I hope she truly understand just how lucky she is.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
He stumbled.
My eyes popped open this morning...it felt really early to me, but my chocolate colored mousse room and dark curtains help to curtail the daylight from creeping in until I am ready for it too....I rolled over and looked at the clock....7:45AM. I was not happy.
I am not happy. I have nothing to do today. I didn't go to bed last night until late from visiting my brother and his family. I want to sleep, but laying next to me in bed is three books that my brother has let me borrow.
The one on top is callling my name, "Tracy, read me...read me"
I swear that is what I heard. I reach over to the other side of the bed and turn on the lamp. I open the book and start to read. Clearly, I needed to read this book. As I am reading, I perceive the main character, Jones, to be larger than life. (I won't reveal who I think, as to not ruin it for those who plan to read The Noticer by Andy Andrews.) I am mesmerized by this book and the dialogue and what the story entails, and yet, I have this nudge to get out of my warm bed on this cold, wet morning and go to church. Now, I do not really want to get out of my jammies today. I want to stay in bed and read. I want to be lazy. But as many times as I pushed this thought of going to church out of my head, it wouldn't go away. Reluctantly, I get out of bed. I get ready and I head off to church alone, without the kids. I left them sleeping. It didn't seem to be as important to me that they be there this morning as it was for me to be there.
I walk into church, greeted by a friendly face and a warm hug. I mosey on over to the kitchen area and get a much needed cup of coffee. I say hello to a few people and go to find a seat in The Family Room. (this is what we call our church) I sit and a few come to talk to me. One in particular talked for a while before worship began and I was really blessed by her. When she had gone away and we started to sing, I actually pulled out my phone and pulled up Facebook, and typed, "sitting here wondering why I was so compelled to be here." I hit send and put the phone right back into my pocket thinking about how I would like to be in bed, warm, in my jammies. My life is taking or has taken a road or two that I still haven't came to terms with and well, life is sometimes a surprise...good ones and bad ones. My mind was wandering to say the least and I was not paying attention.
And it happened......they reason I was so compelled to be there.
The cutest little boy, maybe 18 or 24 months old, went running by and he stumbled. He fell. I would of normally ran to the child's side to see if he was okay, but something held me back..froze me in my place, and I watched as he stumbled and fell.
I watched as he stumbled and fell; and I watched as he got back up, never missing a beat. Never letting that one stumble or fall hinder him from his task at hand. He stumbled and he got back up, immediately. He brushed off his hand, and kept on running. That fall never happened to that little one...not in a manner that it mattered to him anyway...he fell, got back up, brushed himself off, and kept running, continued to enjoy life. He even smiled at me as I watched him before he ran away.
I quickly thought about life, my life, and the lives of others...really quick thoughts....and wondered why sometimes in life we allow that stumble, or that fall to keep us down for so long. I do not have the answer...that wasn't revealed to me today...or not in a manner that I care to share here now. That's a whole other thought process than what I wanted to get across here today.
My focused turned to the service and the songs and the worshiping of God. I did realize though that all of that thinking and the little one's fall all happened in less than one song as they sung. I am not sure what song was playing at the time, but I know when that little one took off running and the next song started it was, "Mighty to Save".
Thank God!
I am not happy. I have nothing to do today. I didn't go to bed last night until late from visiting my brother and his family. I want to sleep, but laying next to me in bed is three books that my brother has let me borrow.
The one on top is callling my name, "Tracy, read me...read me"
I swear that is what I heard. I reach over to the other side of the bed and turn on the lamp. I open the book and start to read. Clearly, I needed to read this book. As I am reading, I perceive the main character, Jones, to be larger than life. (I won't reveal who I think, as to not ruin it for those who plan to read The Noticer by Andy Andrews.) I am mesmerized by this book and the dialogue and what the story entails, and yet, I have this nudge to get out of my warm bed on this cold, wet morning and go to church. Now, I do not really want to get out of my jammies today. I want to stay in bed and read. I want to be lazy. But as many times as I pushed this thought of going to church out of my head, it wouldn't go away. Reluctantly, I get out of bed. I get ready and I head off to church alone, without the kids. I left them sleeping. It didn't seem to be as important to me that they be there this morning as it was for me to be there.
I walk into church, greeted by a friendly face and a warm hug. I mosey on over to the kitchen area and get a much needed cup of coffee. I say hello to a few people and go to find a seat in The Family Room. (this is what we call our church) I sit and a few come to talk to me. One in particular talked for a while before worship began and I was really blessed by her. When she had gone away and we started to sing, I actually pulled out my phone and pulled up Facebook, and typed, "sitting here wondering why I was so compelled to be here." I hit send and put the phone right back into my pocket thinking about how I would like to be in bed, warm, in my jammies. My life is taking or has taken a road or two that I still haven't came to terms with and well, life is sometimes a surprise...good ones and bad ones. My mind was wandering to say the least and I was not paying attention.
And it happened......they reason I was so compelled to be there.
The cutest little boy, maybe 18 or 24 months old, went running by and he stumbled. He fell. I would of normally ran to the child's side to see if he was okay, but something held me back..froze me in my place, and I watched as he stumbled and fell.
I watched as he stumbled and fell; and I watched as he got back up, never missing a beat. Never letting that one stumble or fall hinder him from his task at hand. He stumbled and he got back up, immediately. He brushed off his hand, and kept on running. That fall never happened to that little one...not in a manner that it mattered to him anyway...he fell, got back up, brushed himself off, and kept running, continued to enjoy life. He even smiled at me as I watched him before he ran away.
I quickly thought about life, my life, and the lives of others...really quick thoughts....and wondered why sometimes in life we allow that stumble, or that fall to keep us down for so long. I do not have the answer...that wasn't revealed to me today...or not in a manner that I care to share here now. That's a whole other thought process than what I wanted to get across here today.
My focused turned to the service and the songs and the worshiping of God. I did realize though that all of that thinking and the little one's fall all happened in less than one song as they sung. I am not sure what song was playing at the time, but I know when that little one took off running and the next song started it was, "Mighty to Save".
Thank God!
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