Female Familes

Recently I was torn...a friend had a birthday...birthdays between she and I are HUGE...it take an entire month to celebrate our lives...truly, I mean this...birthdays are meant to be celebrated and she and I have the celebration down to a science! But this year, or rather a day in the month long celebration, she was going to share a meal and invited me along...normally I would go without question, but this time, I hesitated...stopped in my tracks and asked, "who is going?" To which she replied, "My mom, my aunt and my cousin." I declined. I think she was offended or disappointed; I heard it in her voice. I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow myself to be a a table of all female family...just couldn't do that to my heart. I do not have family...no mom, no sisters, no females of any kind...and I am not about to watch others having a realtionship that I know no part of but would love to have. I dont do well in those situations...so its best I stay away from them. Its not something that is easy to describe and someone cannot even begin to understand until they have experienced the loss of their mother...not something I wish upon anyone. It changes you...or it changed me!
Who knows maybe someday I will get there, be able to be in a room with peoples families...but for right now...my heart...my heart just isnt ready.

random ramblings

Random thoughts....oh, where will they lead me to today?
1. I am hardheaded....very, very hardheaded....yet, I will listen to what one has to say and then take my view and run with it...so maybe a little openminded hardheaded...is that an oxymoron?
2. I am completely heartbroken to think that my baby girl will start high school this year.
3. I love to read...but never seem to find the time for things that I want to...but I really get lost in the world of a book.
4. I really do not have much trust in men...really, very little...and that breaks my heart.
5. I am looking forward to completing my BSN in June...but am not sure if I will ever go back again...in reality, I know this to be a lie deep down inside...I love to learn.
6. Procrasting isnt such a bad thing...until the last minute.
7. I often times will ask rhetorical questions...if I am asking, trust me, I already know.
8.I hate doing everything alone in my life...but I seem to always be in that spot.
9. I think that there are some things that men should do for women...and not just because she nags you to do so...there are some things that should be a given...oh, I am capable to changing my own oil...but I shouldnt have to.
10. I like people, but life has taught me to not trust people.
11. Ugh...should I even start with the number 11
12. I despise when the Lord's name is used in vain...even when my kids say, Jesus Christ.....I respond with, He has nothing to do with this.
13. I miss not having a normal childhood...or at least I think I do...I never had that so it always makes me wonder.
14...thats all I have time for...