hallmark bullshit.

As tomorrow approaches and it has the title of Sweetest Day, I have to say that I am disgusted. Completely and totally disgusted. Sweetest Day seriously...where did that come from? Hallmark....Hallmark bullshit is how I refer to love these days. I swear it is some made up thing..its not real or it doesn't last....it never lasts. The feelings grow old, the people lose interest and become just another fixture in each others life. Usually person number one cares deeply for person number two and person number two cannot return those feelins and person number one will walk away feeling as they are less than, or unworthy of love...how could their love not be enough? Not a concept I choose to believe in anymore. Not a place I choose to place my heart. I guess when you have been let down, you just begin to build the wall...brick after brick, layer after layer of mortar....and that wall is to my eyes already...the last bricks are about to go up...and no one has shown a willingness or the love to knock that wall down or climb that wall or to take the bricks away. When the final brick is laid, it will be over..closure..finally closure. Love who needs it anyway!

What I want....

I want many things in my life...here are just a few:
I want to be noticed.
I want to be appreciated.
I want to be loved for me.
I want to be made to feel I am the only girl in the world.
I want to be hugged.
I want to be kissed on the forehead...something so intimate about that.
I want to be able to discuss life, and hope, and wants, and dreams.
I want to be heard, but more importantly, I want them to listen...really listen.
I want to laugh until I cry.
I want to stand at the ocean and appreciate the beauty.
I want to hold hands.
I want to be the only one.

Being Present

okay..here it is! The issue of being present or just being there. I recently had this conversation with a friend of mine...the issue of being present or merely just being somewhere.

I think there is a huge difference.

Being present, to me, is actually wanting to be there, with whomever you are with. Just being there is like being physically in a place, but allowing your mind and emotions to run somewhere else.

Am I making sense with this?

I find it highly offensive to be with a friend who manages to spend most of their time with their face stuck in their cell phone. I find it rude and disrespectful. I think that if I have asked you to do something with me, lunch or coffee or whatever the case may be, and you spend all of the time that we are together in the phone, I think, shame on you! I also think...please, do not waste my time. I, like most, have limited time...I like to use my time wisely.

My time is precious to me.

So dear friends of mine, please know that I know your life does not revolve around me , but please be considerate of others feelings. If you did not really want to spend a few hours with me, that is okay...I can understand that. But do not invite me or accept my invitation and then act as if you dont want to be there! You just might find that the next time you ask me, I won't be available!

Female Familes

Recently I was torn...a friend had a birthday...birthdays between she and I are HUGE...it take an entire month to celebrate our lives...truly, I mean this...birthdays are meant to be celebrated and she and I have the celebration down to a science! But this year, or rather a day in the month long celebration, she was going to share a meal and invited me along...normally I would go without question, but this time, I hesitated...stopped in my tracks and asked, "who is going?" To which she replied, "My mom, my aunt and my cousin." I declined. I think she was offended or disappointed; I heard it in her voice. I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow myself to be a a table of all female family...just couldn't do that to my heart. I do not have family...no mom, no sisters, no females of any kind...and I am not about to watch others having a realtionship that I know no part of but would love to have. I dont do well in those situations...so its best I stay away from them. Its not something that is easy to describe and someone cannot even begin to understand until they have experienced the loss of their mother...not something I wish upon anyone. It changes you...or it changed me!
Who knows maybe someday I will get there, be able to be in a room with peoples families...but for right now...my heart...my heart just isnt ready.

random ramblings

Random thoughts....oh, where will they lead me to today?
1. I am hardheaded....very, very hardheaded....yet, I will listen to what one has to say and then take my view and run with it...so maybe a little openminded hardheaded...is that an oxymoron?
2. I am completely heartbroken to think that my baby girl will start high school this year.
3. I love to read...but never seem to find the time for things that I want to...but I really get lost in the world of a book.
4. I really do not have much trust in men...really, very little...and that breaks my heart.
5. I am looking forward to completing my BSN in June...but am not sure if I will ever go back again...in reality, I know this to be a lie deep down inside...I love to learn.
6. Procrasting isnt such a bad thing...until the last minute.
7. I often times will ask rhetorical questions...if I am asking, trust me, I already know.
8.I hate doing everything alone in my life...but I seem to always be in that spot.
9. I think that there are some things that men should do for women...and not just because she nags you to do so...there are some things that should be a given...oh, I am capable to changing my own oil...but I shouldnt have to.
10. I like people, but life has taught me to not trust people.
11. Ugh...should I even start with the number 11
12. I despise when the Lord's name is used in vain...even when my kids say, Jesus Christ.....I respond with, He has nothing to do with this.
13. I miss not having a normal childhood...or at least I think I do...I never had that so it always makes me wonder.
14...thats all I have time for...

He sat all alone in his room, waiting....waiting.....and waiting. The emotions that must have ran through his head...the fear of the unknown, the fear of not waking from the surgery, the gratitude that he will again live and breath...without oxygen tying him down...the sadness that someone else has died.....and he will get to live...the inability to think that someone could give of themselves in such a time of loss and prayers and bargaining with God. He sat alone....waiting. He gets the call...his life may change today....he gets the call that he is so been waiting for...he comes...he waits....he waits some more...he sits alone and thinks and wonders and prays.....he gets told that unfortunately his new life will not begin today as orginally thought...he gets told the lungs are not as were expected and are not suitable for transplant.....so he sits and waits...and waits....and waits!

Sign your donor card...make your loved ones aware you would like to be a donor.
Donate Life

Oh it has started....

It had begun sometime ago...the what we never thought was going to happen so quickly, yet we knew that it would be here before we knew it...I am talking about the growing up of our babies, the dating, the heartbreaks, the tears, the smiles, the giggles, and the giddiness....but now along with that, much different from when I dated it the texting...I can remember being on the phone for hours with the love interest at that time...usually saying nothing for the most part, but these children now a days..say what seems to be a lot without ever really "talking" at all. I have this huge fear of much bigger disappointments for our children when there is communication, but they fail to realize that anything can be said in a text and there is this feeling of no tone in a text...and there is this huge airway to hide behind. I also feel there is a much higher divorce rate in the future as kids will not know how to communicate with their spouses.
Okay...let me get back on target.....I hate this age....I love it and I hate it. I love the beautiful people my kids have become...I love their laughs and their personalities and I love that they are stong, level headed people......UNTIL we allow "the boy" or "the girl" to enter the picture...when this happens, they lose all sense of reality....they are giddy, the are out of their minds! I love the innocense that young love brings, but I wonder if I haven't done some cruel thing to them to raise them to believe that all people are good, and deserve a chance, and that to just keep looking for the good. This is where the heartaches comes in...I know that heartaches do happen, but I hate to see it happening to them...all the while knowing that they have to learn that their first love isnt their only love...I know that I have to step back and allow them to see that people are different and good and that not everyone believes everything you do and that sometimes people are just along for the ride. Sometimes people are only looking for a day or a week or a few hours of your time. I know that there is this part of me who has to be there to just wait and to watch and to allow them to fall and be there to hold them and assure them that this too shall pass....I have to be able to talk to them and allow them to know that all of these stumbles along the way are all really part of God's plan for them...making them into the person that He wants them to be. Yet, still when they are heartbroken, and distant, and tearful and thinking that they will never like another person again...it makes me want to be angry at the other child too..it makes me want to say, "how dare you do this to my child?" yet, all the while, I have to step back and in the back of my mind, know that that child is too learning...I have to know that just sometimes things work out exactly as they are suppose to even if we don't see what that plan is during that time.
I have to remember that tears will fall and hearts will break and Momma will be there to put help make sense of it or to just take them for ice cream.