Today I cried...Today I prayed.

I am completely amazed at people everyday...some of that amazement is good and other times, that amazement brings me to a real place of sadness and heartache and then the tears start to fall....

The tears fell today after I received a text from a friend in law enforcement. This person was going into a school to babysit, make sure nothing happens, to keep the peace among the students, if you will IN A SCHOOL dressed with things hanging off of a belt that I do not even want to know about....tasers, and gun (maybe) and who knows what else.

I sent this person a text that said, "My goodness, you're going into a school like that...Dear God, please help those children...it makes me so sad that they know no other way of life."

I followed with a text that said, "it just breaks my heart...like I'm really crying...those poor babies, shame on their parents."

I sat at my kitchen table and cried and prayed for those kids and for my friend and the heart that this person has to do the type of work they do.

I sat and reflected on where I came from...a broken home from Black Oak, the child of a biker, a drug addict, a womanizer, a childmolestor....I grew up in an environment where I am lucky to have made it out alive. There were many days that there were more drugs in my house than there was food in the home. I thought about the violence within the home, the negativity, the verbal abuse. I thought about my brothers and what they must have felt within that home. I thought about my mom and how she couldn't protect us but showed us love the best way she knew how. I thought about her telling us that we were to get a good education so that we didn't have to live as she did someday. I thought about how she wanted more for us. I grew up in an environment where I should be an addict myself, I should have been a troubled child in all sorts of mischief and bad things....this is what statistics tell me.

I thought about what it was that made me different...what gave me the drive to do better than I was taught. I do not really have the answer to that question other than I wanted more than what I had been placed before me and I had a mother that insisted we get an education and who expressed that we were to do better than she did. She wanted more for us.

I thought about those children within the walls of that school. I thought about their fears. I thought about the nights they may come home to no one. I thought about how they may not ever have anyone tell them they are better than their environment. I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are beautiful or have anyone tell them they are special and I thought about how they may never have anyone tell them they are loved. I thought about how they might see drugs within their homes or if they have anyone to cook them meals. I thought about the way they may feel as if they have no one or nothing and how they may have seen their parents obtain things illegally and they think this is the right way to do things. I thought about how they may have seen their parents live on welfare and still manage to do decent through illegal activity and think this is okay. I also thought about how some of those children will join in with a bad group of people just to feel as if they belong to something greater than themselves. I thought about how lost some kids are due to no fault of their own. I thought about how many will die or become imprisoned....and I cried.

Children are so receptive...they take everything in whether that is good or bad. They are so impressionable and just want to be loved and will do whatever they have to feel loved.

I thought about my children and I thanked God for them.

My children go to a school where there is a police officer that goes into the school from time to time. He is friendly with the kids, the kids like him...know him by name and will even wave to him on the street and talk to him if they see him out. He is a good, positive presence in the lives of the children within my children's school. Of course, I live in small community, with traditional families and community support. I live in an environment much different than I grew up in and much different than where my friend was going today.

The school this friend of mine was going into I do not know much about; I do know though it is not a area I would choose to live or an area I would make the choice to send my children to school in. Maybe the education is great, and I hope it is for these children. I hope that some of these children will find a mentor, a teacher, or a counselor that will steer them in the right direction. I prayed that these children will get a glimmer of hope and the drive of a champion to become the best positive outcome possible of themselves. I pray they see hard work as a good thing and they will realize anything worth anything in this world is worth fighting for...and I prayed they would fight for themselves.

She's driving...where did the time go?

It seems like a week ago, I was looking at the ultrasound photo of my baby girl as she flipped around and kicked at the girl performing the ultrasound.

I knew from that moment, that beautiful baby inside my womb would be a spitfire and my suspicisions were right!

It seems like yesterday that I went to the hospital to have that little precious girl, and it seems like a minute ago that she was driving around the back yard in some battery powered vehicle...

But today....as tears fell from my eyes and I climbed into the passenger seat....

She began to drive my car!

The tears were tears of happiness for her, and also a tear or two fell as it hit me that she has grown to be such a beautiful young lady faster than I would have liked. But she has developed into this beautiful being and has such class, and passions, and she has a beautiful personality. She has grown into someone that I am very proud of.

I just dont know where the time went...how did she go from that cute little toddler that would stumble and fall and when something went wrong she would say in her little reassuring voice, "its okay, its an accident mommy" to this beautiful being sitting behind my steering wheel? How did this happen? Where did the time go?

I pray that God will be with her always as she is learning to drive. I pray that he will keep her safe when she is looking elsewhere or her mind is drifting while she is driving. (it is a scary thing to put your child in the seat of a car where she controls everything). I pray that God will give me patience, and understanding, and tolerance, and that He will allow me to remember what it was like to be 15 and full of excitement and wanting to drive. I pray that she will have some patience with me as well.

I don't do......families.

What a neat thing to see....a family interacting, sharing memories. Oh, I love to hear about the family vacations and the holidays and just the memories that they have all shared. Families, happy families, will always share their experiences and their love, especially big families and I am happy for them. Happy that they have had the chance to share in something so wonderful. Families are amazing to me and a sadness to me as well.

I don't usually pick friends with families!

I only pick friends with small families that don't really gather together that often....I guess, that is easier for me. Lessens the hurt to a degree.

Out of sight, out of mind, kinda philosophy.

This philosphy works for me most of the time...I definately do not do female families at all...no way....one could not even pull me into that for all of the money in the world...I will never partake in that as that is too painful. The concept of sitting down to lunch of dinner with a group of women sharing a history, or blood...really makes my blood turn cold...that is not a place I will ever go.

But tonight, I was sitting with a friend of mine and her family...wonderful family...you could feel the love in the room. The way they all talked and laughed and remembered the olden days was completely amazing to me. I don't know what that is like. I sat and I listened and I took it all in. They had me laughing and enjoying their stories....mesmerized really at the thought of this is what it is like to belong to something much greater than yourself...and in turn have that contribute to who I am in a positive manner.

I have never had that...family...never belonged to that.

Growing up it was essentially my mother and two brothers and myself. My father came and went from time to time, but he was never part of the family. I had no maternal family at all. I had paternal grandparents but they moved when I was in 4th grade and I never really heard from them again until I was an adult and sought them out...but no history of being a family exists there. No family vacations, no holidays, no family get togethers, no days of just hanging out and having fun....these are memories that I will never have or I will never experience the love of a family in that manner and sometimes that is painful for me.

I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I drove home with tears in my eyes tonight from such a wonderful experience...but the tears fell as I talked to God and thanked him for allowing me to take part in that for the moment. Reinforces to me that I can make a difference in the memories of my children and that things that we do, the laughter we share. I still have no family except for my brother, that hasnt changed and that is not going to change anytime soon, really wont change until I have grandchildren but when I do, I plan to start those kinds of memories for my grandbabies. I cannot change things for my kids in the sense of family gatherings and grandparents but I can do that best that I can to let them know they are loved and I think they know that.

I told my friend she was one lucky kid tonight after I had left her house. She responded saying she knew and that she was so grateful....I hope she truly understand just how lucky she is.

He stumbled.

My eyes popped open this morning...it felt really early to me, but my chocolate colored mousse room and dark curtains help to curtail the daylight from creeping in until I am ready for it too....I rolled over and looked at the clock....7:45AM. I was not happy.

I am not happy. I have nothing to do today. I didn't go to bed last night until late from visiting my brother and his family. I want to sleep, but laying next to me in bed is three books that my brother has let me borrow.

The one on top is callling my name, "Tracy, read me...read me"

I swear that is what I heard. I reach over to the other side of the bed and turn on the lamp. I open the book and start to read. Clearly, I needed to read this book. As I am reading, I perceive the main character, Jones, to be larger than life. (I won't reveal who I think, as to not ruin it for those who plan to read The Noticer by Andy Andrews.) I am mesmerized by this book and the dialogue and what the story entails, and yet, I have this nudge to get out of my warm bed on this cold, wet morning and go to church. Now, I do not really want to get out of my jammies today. I want to stay in bed and read. I want to be lazy. But as many times as I pushed this thought of going to church out of my head, it wouldn't go away. Reluctantly, I get out of bed. I get ready and I head off to church alone, without the kids. I left them sleeping. It didn't seem to be as important to me that they be there this morning as it was for me to be there.

I walk into church, greeted by a friendly face and a warm hug. I mosey on over to the kitchen area and get a much needed cup of coffee. I say hello to a few people and go to find a seat in The Family Room. (this is what we call our church) I sit and a few come to talk to me. One in particular talked for a while before worship began and I was really blessed by her. When she had gone away and we started to sing, I actually pulled out my phone and pulled up Facebook, and typed, "sitting here wondering why I was so compelled to be here." I hit send and put the phone right back into my pocket thinking about how I would like to be in bed, warm, in my jammies. My life is taking or has taken a road or two that I still haven't came to terms with and well, life is sometimes a surprise...good ones and bad ones. My mind was wandering to say the least and I was not paying attention.

And it happened......they reason I was so compelled to be there.

The cutest little boy, maybe 18 or 24 months old, went running by and he stumbled. He fell. I would of normally ran to the child's side to see if he was okay, but something held me back..froze me in my place, and I watched as he stumbled and fell.
I watched as he stumbled and fell; and I watched as he got back up, never missing a beat. Never letting that one stumble or fall hinder him from his task at hand. He stumbled and he got back up, immediately. He brushed off his hand, and kept on running. That fall never happened to that little one...not in a manner that it mattered to him anyway...he fell, got back up, brushed himself off, and kept running, continued to enjoy life. He even smiled at me as I watched him before he ran away.

I quickly thought about life, my life, and the lives of others...really quick thoughts....and wondered why sometimes in life we allow that stumble, or that fall to keep us down for so long. I do not have the answer...that wasn't revealed to me today...or not in a manner that I care to share here now. That's a whole other thought process than what I wanted to get across here today.

My focused turned to the service and the songs and the worshiping of God. I did realize though that all of that thinking and the little one's fall all happened in less than one song as they sung. I am not sure what song was playing at the time, but I know when that little one took off running and the next song started it was, "Mighty to Save".

Thank God!

Things...our things

I was thinking about a lot of different things as I was driving today....thinking about things....our things, my kids things, things you will find lying around my home.
Here is a short list: a list of things that should probably be put away but usually aren't.....let's see"
1. Hoodies...we have lots of hoodies in my home, some on kids, some in their floors, some in the closets, some....well, just everywhere.
2. Crayons and coloring books...yes, Kylie still likes to color.
3. Sports gear of all kinds...tennis balls for the dog, softball equipment, basketball equipment...gear of all kinds.
4. Shoes...we should start our own shoe store.
5. Dishes in the sink...yes, my kiddos like to eat.
6. Dog hair and cat hair...yes, we have hair...we vacuum everyday, but our furry family members live with us, they get on the furniture (they arent suppose to but they do) they sleep with us...they live as we do...shhhh, dont tell them they are pets...they do not know this.
7.Computers, Ipods, cell phones....everywhere.
8. Writing on the kids bathroom mirror...this is how Dylan remembers things and I am okay with that.
9.A basket of bills...feel free to pay them if you like.
10. Laughter, I mean, technically, it is a thing...it is all over my home. We laugh, we have fun, we laugh some more.
11. Blankets...you will usually find one on each couch...we like to be comfy.
12. Pictures of us, our friends....pictures of those we love...displayed in frames all over...Oh, and lets not forget the pictures on the fridge...every fridge should have important people on it.


These are just a few of the things we you will displayed out in my home...not sure if displayed is the right word, cause sometimes it is a mess....but I am okay with messes...our home is well lived in....we can clean it up later, but if an opportunity arises to laugh, or sit and talk, or look at those pictures together...I am all for that.

What kind of things do you have laying around that you would not want to live without?

Life is full of disappoinments BUT....

In the 37 years that I have been upon this year, I have experienced many, many, far too many disappointments, and somehow they continue to come my way. I am not talking the I didn't get that outfit I wanted or I didn't have that dream vacation that I wanted.

I am talking real disappointments.

I am talking about things that could have BROKEN me! BUT THEY DIDN'T!!!!

Things such as being sexually abused by my worthless piece of shit father for many, many years of my life, starting as early as I can remember as second grade.
And...things such as living in a home where my father shot the gun off, or wouldn't provide food for the family or was continually abusive in one emotional or financial way or another...maybe, I should do the happy dance that that ass didnt beat us, but perhaps those scars would have healed much easier.
Things such as my mother not being able to protect us as children because she lived in her own fear ridden life. Survival was key within the four walls of the Swindle home, and you did what you had to do to survive, whether that was just being quiet and not speaking while father was home, or hiding in the closet when he starting shooting the gun in the house, or watching him shoot and kill the family animals without crying or saying a word, or just getting up from the dinner table hungry because he was pissed off and didn't like what mom had cooked and would throw it out in the backyard to the dog.

Perhaps these are things I should and could keep to myself, but it is the reality of how I grew up and I SURVIVED! It did not break me! I came out of that home with a resilence like no other. It is true that bad things happen to good people, but it is also true that those bad things can be turned into positive attributes. It is true that I am who I am in spite of those tragedies.

I MADE A CHOICE TO BE WHO I AM...LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES!

True, statistics will show that I should be a loser, I should be someone who is non-functioning, someone who has lost her way to drugs, and alcohol, and promiscuity...but my spirit was much stronger than his abuse! I grew up with the thought that I would be someone, I would not live in his shadow. I would not live in fear. I would not become him and repeat that abuse on my own children.

Life is full of disappointments but it is what I did with those disappointments that made all the difference

Best Friends and my dilemna

Friend is not a term that I like to use loosely....so to me the term "Best Friend" holds far more meaning...its the I can trust this person with all of my heart, my fears, my secrets, my wants, and know that they have my back, and will tell me like it is without looking at me as if I grew three heads. My best friends, and I have three of them, are not there to sugar coat my butt, they are there to tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. By best friends love me unconditionally, in spite of my lack of judgement or my quirkiness or my silliness or my Type A personality.

This brings me to a huge dilemna...I love my best friends unconditionally, but this doesn't mean we do not have our spats or our fights or even tell each other to take a hike from time to time.

I am at that point...the point of telling all three of them to go take a hike for a while. This is so not my personality at all. I am not a push-people-away-kinda girl. I am a scooop people up, hold them close to my heart, sit and listen when that is all I can do, I am the bend over backwards I will do anything to help kinda person. But lately, I have been having some resentments that I do not want to have.
I have one friend, who I am not happy with the life choices that are being made....think things are a little out of hand...and when I have approached this subject, I have been met with a wall. Another friend, haven't heard or seen much from them...far too busy to even have a conversation. Another friend, is going through a lot themselves...building a wall...and I hate this wall..the bricks and the mortar..all silly nonsense.

I guess the real issue is I am feeling pushed away...placed far over "there".
Maybe, I do need to be over "there" right now...but I am having a really hard time with over "there"....my personality is a right-in-your-face kinda personality..its I can help, its a let me help you to find the solution. Its a "I love you" and I am here to help and maybe I cannot take the pain away, but I can sit and cry with you, I can take that phone call when you need to vent, I can just go for a walk, or bring you ice cream when all else looks bad..cause ice cream is the cure for everything. Just don't keep me out...don't push me away!

And another thing...how about every once in a while...pick up the phone, don't text and say, Hey Trac, how are you doing? Just maybe, I have a thing or two I would like to discuss...I have big shoulders, but even those of us with the biggest shoulders need a hug every once in a while!