Things...our things

I was thinking about a lot of different things as I was driving today....thinking about things....our things, my kids things, things you will find lying around my home.
Here is a short list: a list of things that should probably be put away but usually aren't.....let's see"
1. Hoodies...we have lots of hoodies in my home, some on kids, some in their floors, some in the closets, some....well, just everywhere.
2. Crayons and coloring books...yes, Kylie still likes to color.
3. Sports gear of all kinds...tennis balls for the dog, softball equipment, basketball equipment...gear of all kinds.
4. Shoes...we should start our own shoe store.
5. Dishes in the sink...yes, my kiddos like to eat.
6. Dog hair and cat hair...yes, we have hair...we vacuum everyday, but our furry family members live with us, they get on the furniture (they arent suppose to but they do) they sleep with us...they live as we do...shhhh, dont tell them they are pets...they do not know this.
7.Computers, Ipods, cell phones....everywhere.
8. Writing on the kids bathroom mirror...this is how Dylan remembers things and I am okay with that.
9.A basket of bills...feel free to pay them if you like.
10. Laughter, I mean, technically, it is a thing...it is all over my home. We laugh, we have fun, we laugh some more.
11. Blankets...you will usually find one on each couch...we like to be comfy.
12. Pictures of us, our friends....pictures of those we love...displayed in frames all over...Oh, and lets not forget the pictures on the fridge...every fridge should have important people on it.


These are just a few of the things we you will displayed out in my home...not sure if displayed is the right word, cause sometimes it is a mess....but I am okay with messes...our home is well lived in....we can clean it up later, but if an opportunity arises to laugh, or sit and talk, or look at those pictures together...I am all for that.

What kind of things do you have laying around that you would not want to live without?

Life is full of disappoinments BUT....

In the 37 years that I have been upon this year, I have experienced many, many, far too many disappointments, and somehow they continue to come my way. I am not talking the I didn't get that outfit I wanted or I didn't have that dream vacation that I wanted.

I am talking real disappointments.

I am talking about things that could have BROKEN me! BUT THEY DIDN'T!!!!

Things such as being sexually abused by my worthless piece of shit father for many, many years of my life, starting as early as I can remember as second grade.
And...things such as living in a home where my father shot the gun off, or wouldn't provide food for the family or was continually abusive in one emotional or financial way or another...maybe, I should do the happy dance that that ass didnt beat us, but perhaps those scars would have healed much easier.
Things such as my mother not being able to protect us as children because she lived in her own fear ridden life. Survival was key within the four walls of the Swindle home, and you did what you had to do to survive, whether that was just being quiet and not speaking while father was home, or hiding in the closet when he starting shooting the gun in the house, or watching him shoot and kill the family animals without crying or saying a word, or just getting up from the dinner table hungry because he was pissed off and didn't like what mom had cooked and would throw it out in the backyard to the dog.

Perhaps these are things I should and could keep to myself, but it is the reality of how I grew up and I SURVIVED! It did not break me! I came out of that home with a resilence like no other. It is true that bad things happen to good people, but it is also true that those bad things can be turned into positive attributes. It is true that I am who I am in spite of those tragedies.

I MADE A CHOICE TO BE WHO I AM...LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES!

True, statistics will show that I should be a loser, I should be someone who is non-functioning, someone who has lost her way to drugs, and alcohol, and promiscuity...but my spirit was much stronger than his abuse! I grew up with the thought that I would be someone, I would not live in his shadow. I would not live in fear. I would not become him and repeat that abuse on my own children.

Life is full of disappointments but it is what I did with those disappointments that made all the difference

Best Friends and my dilemna

Friend is not a term that I like to use loosely....so to me the term "Best Friend" holds far more meaning...its the I can trust this person with all of my heart, my fears, my secrets, my wants, and know that they have my back, and will tell me like it is without looking at me as if I grew three heads. My best friends, and I have three of them, are not there to sugar coat my butt, they are there to tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. By best friends love me unconditionally, in spite of my lack of judgement or my quirkiness or my silliness or my Type A personality.

This brings me to a huge dilemna...I love my best friends unconditionally, but this doesn't mean we do not have our spats or our fights or even tell each other to take a hike from time to time.

I am at that point...the point of telling all three of them to go take a hike for a while. This is so not my personality at all. I am not a push-people-away-kinda girl. I am a scooop people up, hold them close to my heart, sit and listen when that is all I can do, I am the bend over backwards I will do anything to help kinda person. But lately, I have been having some resentments that I do not want to have.
I have one friend, who I am not happy with the life choices that are being made....think things are a little out of hand...and when I have approached this subject, I have been met with a wall. Another friend, haven't heard or seen much from them...far too busy to even have a conversation. Another friend, is going through a lot themselves...building a wall...and I hate this wall..the bricks and the mortar..all silly nonsense.

I guess the real issue is I am feeling pushed away...placed far over "there".
Maybe, I do need to be over "there" right now...but I am having a really hard time with over "there"....my personality is a right-in-your-face kinda personality..its I can help, its a let me help you to find the solution. Its a "I love you" and I am here to help and maybe I cannot take the pain away, but I can sit and cry with you, I can take that phone call when you need to vent, I can just go for a walk, or bring you ice cream when all else looks bad..cause ice cream is the cure for everything. Just don't keep me out...don't push me away!

And another thing...how about every once in a while...pick up the phone, don't text and say, Hey Trac, how are you doing? Just maybe, I have a thing or two I would like to discuss...I have big shoulders, but even those of us with the biggest shoulders need a hug every once in a while!

What is love.....

What does it mean to really love?
its that little feeling that you get deep within your belly.
its that longing that your heart has for someone when they are not near.
its that sick sense of worrying that something might be wrong.
its that picking up the phone and calling just because you wanna hear their voice.
its the going above and beyond and doing for that person without regards to what you might get in return.
its saying "sweet dreams" every night because you know they have crazy dreams and your hoping it will help them.
its that wanting to never go to bed angry,
its the silly fighting for no reason because there are just questions left unanswered.
its knowing without having to even speak the words.
its that kiss on the forehead.
its forgiveness.
its trusting even when you dont want to.
its looking at that person and you just can't help but smile.
its still wanting to be there despite the quirkiness of the person.
its wanting the other person to be happy even if that means your heart if broken.
its the sacrifice.
its the knowing what it could be if that leap of faith were just taken.
its wishing the fears away.
its holding on when you should be letting go.
its wanting the whole world to know.
its reaching out and just touching the others soul.
its waking up this morning and realizing that not all things are possible through love, it takes work, and dedication, and a willingness to try on both person's sides. One cannot do it alone.
its the willingness to hold onto hope...cause without hope there's nothing.
its knowing what your heart knows even if your head does not agree.
its where I wanna be.

at the rambing again.

I do not believe in coincidence at all.
I believe that all people come into our lives for a reason.
I believe that we may not know the reason or ever know the reason.
I believe that everyone has a soul mate and I believe that at some point in life those soul mates will cross paths.
I believe that I am able to make connections with people and I believe that there are times that I know things about people that I should not have any way of knowing. I have at times, dreamt of people who are passed and was comforted or given a message to pass along. Crazy it may sound, but it is true.
I have stronger connections with some people in my lives, such as my kids, or the people that I really love and I have this sixth sense about them...such as last year a friend of mine has a friend of theirs pass away, I do not know why but I thought of this person all day long that day...felt as if something was wrong, that they needed some love and prayers. It is a weird thing to speak that tid bit of information out loud, for fear of being thought of as completely crazy, but it is something that I live with.
I always trust my dreams.
I always trust my gut...it has never lead me wrong, and in fact, the times that I have choose to ignore it, it has gotten me into trouble to some degree.

Promises

Promises are sacred...to me, at least. I will not and have no ever made a promise that I know that I will not be able to keep. Doesn't matter how major or how minor that promise is, if I say the words, "I promise" it is a done deal....there is no going back.
I have also tried to instill this quality into my children. They know this about me...so there are times when they really want something they have said to me, "Momma, do you promise?" They both know they have me if I utter those words.

I am not sure that many people take the words, "I promise" quite as literally as I do, so I often times will never ask anyone to ever promise me anything...there's too much to lose for me. I would fully and totally without a doubt hold that individual to the promise cause where I come from my word means something...and I have come to terms with the fact that not everyone is like me!

Crazy...

I am sitting here watching a movie and the song, "Crazy" by Patsy Cline is playing as this couple is dancing....but in my mind, I am taken back to Kylie being 2 years old and standing on my Mom's kitchen chair holding my Mom's hands dancing and those two singing that song.....

Crazy for loving you...I can still hear those two singing that as if it was happening at this moment.

The love that those two shared was amazing...Kylie thought her granma hung the moon for her and my Mom acted as she had done that for Kylie.

I miss my Mom so much, especially at this time of the year, but that song and that memory at this moment really makes my heart smile.